Learning To Trust Love Again
by RollinsFrostFan
Summary: Amanda Rollins is in a new relationship with Olivia when something happens to her and she wakes up in the hospital. Shes scared, skittish, hurt and bitchy. She had been assaulted on a morning run and remembers things. She does have a head injury more in the lines of a concussion. Please review. Any feedback will be appreciated and taken into consideration. I don't own SVU.. NBC
1. Chapter 1

Amanda and Olivia are a newer couple. However in this plot Amanda starts off in the hospital with pretty severe injuries. Questioning why shes there and what the hell happened to her. For those of you who dont like violent, dark stories this isnt for you. This is also a ROLIVIA fanfic so if ya dont ship it, dont read it... Thanks enjoy... If you leave reviews please be constructive, I've never published a story, always just written them for myself..

 _Waking up in a hospital is one thing. But waking up and not remembering what events lead you there can be confusing as shit. As you will see that is about to happen to Detective Amanda Rollins of Manhattan SVU. She just wanted to know what happened to her. Her head hurt like fucking hell, and not to mention it felt like a damn woodpecker was taking aim at her temple. Her side hurt as well. She felt alot of pressure between her legs like she had been intimate lately, but she hadnt been and especially not with a man. But what the hell lead her here? Why was she attacked? Why was it bringing back so many memories?_

What she rememebered was that morning kissing Olivia bye since Liv had to leave to get to a meeting with Chief Dodds and told Amanda she'd see her later. Since today was her day off Amanda was gonna go for a run to start her day off and then lounge around til she heard from Liv and they made their plans. They werent officially out yet to the squad but you couldnt miss the glances of adoration they gave, or the looks. If you were really trying to figure it out you could. She was on her run and next thing she knew she was waking up in the hospital.

She started to wake up and she was agitated. Why in the hell was she in this room, why was noone checking on her? She was scared, and goddamn her fucking head hurt like a son of a bitch. She noticed there was a button, it said "call nurse"she pushed the button. After she did that, she dozed back off again. She fell right back into a dream of someone holding her, restraining her...

As that was happening Olivia called to check on Amanda. The nurse had responded to her call, well the big trouble was that it was a male nurse that responded. Amanda got very agitated and was scared. She started to thrash and try to get away from his touch. He did the only thing he could do, he restrained her. By then since the nurse had told Olivia that Amanda was having a hard time and was in pain Olivia decided she was going to go down there especially after the nurse had told her that Amanda was being cared for by a male nurse. When Olivia got to the hospital she demanded to know why Amanda was being cared for by a male when it was stated that Amanda was afraid of a male. She was getting ready to head to the room when she heard a very agitated and scared woman yelling, she broke into a soft run. When she got to the room she saw Amanda was restrained to the bed and the male nurse was telling her to quit her shit. She was about to haul off and head butt him. She wanted this nurse away from her. Wanted him to quit touching her. "Get the fuck off of me. Get away from me, Stop touching me." Liv scowled and raised her voice. "Excuse me, but why are you here? It was stated that she was to have female nurses and doctors only. And another good fucking question, why the fuck is my girlfriend in restraints?" He looked turned around and saw a tall brunette glaring at him, "this patient here is giving me a hard time. She pushed the "call nurse" button and I responded. She got all hostile kicking me, hitting me, attempting to bite and me and even headbutt me. I had to put restraints on her to protect myself. I am within my rights." Olivia snarled at him "She is a hurt, scared, traumatized woman for fucks sake." He looked at her. "Well then if you think you can get her to take her meds that she called for, you do it. I give up. I dont need the stress and aggravation of this patient." After saying that he thrust the medication cup into Olivia's hand and left the room."

Amanda was is in total confusion. Was Olivia really here? Or was it her mind playing tricks so she would trust the male nurse and let him do whatever the hell he wanted to her. She was scared shitless and her head hurt like hell. The pain was worse than the throbbing in her rib cage, yeah broken ribs hurt like a bitch too. What she wanted was who she trusted a bit, and was learning to trust more and more. She knew Liv wouldnt hurt her, but if it all came down to it would she betray her trust or stay loyal to her trust? She didnt think so, but in her past she had been betrayed so much.

Amanda woke up completely to seeing Liv. She was happy. Liv asked her how she was feeling and Amanda was a tad bit touchy. After all she was in restraints and couldnt get up. She snapped. "How does it look like I feel Olivia? Im in fucking restraints and I cant even tell you why. Im in the hosptital and I know bits and pieces of some of the things that happened." Amanda looked at her. "Can someone get these fucking restraints off me. Why the hell are they on me?" Liv got fed up with the fact she was in them and took out her knife. When Amanda saw it she freaked out. "Ill-Ill-shutup-pl-please-do-dont-dont-use-th-th-that-on-on-me. I'll-I'll-behave-I promise." Olivia didnt understand what made Amanda think she would hurt her with the knife. She spoke softly as to not scare Amanda. "Amanda, sweetie, I'm not gonna hurt you. I just want to get these restraints off of you. Please let me do that. I promise you I am not going to hurt you." Olivia asked again to cut the restraints off. Amanda nodded with tears in her eyes. She softly muttered "please." After she got the restraints off Amanda she went to hug her girlfriend only to find that the touch and close proximity was not wanted at the time. As Olivia went to wrap her arms around her lady Amanda freaked out. She itched back closer to her pillow. She snarled at Liv. "Dont touch me. You hear me DONT TOUCH ME. Why the fuck is everyone so touchy feely. Dont any of you realize when I back off that I dont want the touch. Its not welcome. Back off." Olivia backed off immediately. She couldnt help but have a look of hurt in her eyes. She spoke apologetically "Amanda Im sorry. I didnt mean to upset you. I just wanted to hug you to support you and show I care." Amanda's head was starting to hurt, she was getting bitchy as hell too. "Well I dont want to be touched. Im in pain, in a hospital, you promised you keep me safe and you didnt. How do you want me to feel?" Olivia now had tears in her eyes. She completely blamed herself for taking the call from 1PP and not getting to Amanda in time to save her. "Im sorry Amanda, I really am. I never wanted this to happen to you. I wanted to help you. You're my girlfriend for christsake." Amanda looked at her, tears in her eyes. "You know what. Just go. Get the hell out of here. I want to be alone. Just go!" Amanda turned away from Liv with tears in her eyes. She quickly took her pills and waited til Liv left to drift off into sleep.

Olivia reluctantly went home. Trying to desperately figure out her interaction with her girlfriend. She knew her girlfriend had just went through a traumatic experience. She just didnt know how much Amanda remembered after her head injury. She took a pretty bad bash to the head. What had gone on was they had been questioning a perp. This was the day before she was attacked. They reluctantly had to let him go cause they had nothing to hold him on. He must have found her on her run in the am before work. When Amanda hadnt shown up to work Liv got worried. Fin told her that he hadnt seen Amanda and wasnt able to get in contact with her. As Carisi was having TARU track her cell, Olivia got the call that her detective was found in Central Park with a head head wound, ripped pants and unconscious, victim of a possible rape. They wouldnt know until Amanda woke up. Why would Amanda throw her out like that?

Amanda woke up in that cold hospital room. Oh why had she kicked Liv out? What the hell was wrong with her? Olivia wasnt going to want to be with her anymore especially when she found out how weak she was. How could she have been unfaithful. Her head still pounded and all she wanted was Liv there to hold her hand. She buzzed a nurse to come in and give her the cell phone in her jacket. She wanted to call Liv but was afraid of her hanging up. They were known to have heated arguments, but she yelled at Liv and kicked her out. She tearfully texted her

"Liv, Im sorry for being such a bitch. Im scared and alone in here. I dont want to bother you but can you please come back? I dont feel safe and I dont trust them sending more male nurses in. Please..."

Amanda leaned back and waited to see if she'd get a response, though she didnt deserve one. She turned on the tv for some noise, she hated the buzzing noise from the machines. She wanted to go home. She wanted to be in the safety of Liv's arms. She ended up nodding back off, tears drying on her cheeks. As soon as Liv had gotten her text she had hopped in the car and headed back over to the hospital. Yeah she was hurt from before but she couldnt and wouldnt abandon Amanda. When she got there she saw her sleeping, fragile girlfriend, pain evident in her fluttering eyelids or was it a dream? Liv would soon enough find out.

Amanda yells out "Dont touch me. Leave me alone. I want Liv, wheres Liv?" You could hear her start to cry. Olivia spoke softly as to not spook the woman anymore. "Sweetheart I am here. Wake up for me." Amanda's eyes fluttered more, the thrashing she was doing was making the machines send off alerts and nurses were coming down to the room. They started coming in. Amanda woke up. She yelled at them to leave her alone. "IM FINE! LEAVE ME ALONE. I DONT WANT TO BE TOUCHED." They looked at her, looked at Liv and left. Amanda then looked over and saw that Liv was there, she was really hearing her voice. She rolled up her eyes to keep the tears back, voice breaking "You-you really came back. Liv I'm sorry for being a bitch. Im sorry for everything." Oh how badly Liv wanted to take the scared, timid blonde in her arms and comfort her, but from the last encounter she didnt think the touch would be wanted. She instead asked "Sweetheart is there something I can do for you? Something you want or need me to do for you?" Amanda looked at her, chewing on her lip, fuck how could she ask to be in her arms after being such a bitch. She didnt have that right, but being in Liv's arms was where she felt safe. "Liv can you hold me please? I know I'm filthy but I cant shake the not feeling safe. Please Liv?" That was all Olivia needed. Her heart warmed that her girlfriend still felt safe in her arms. She pulled the rail down and got in the bed beside the blonde. "You make yourself comfortable and Ill adjust to you." Amanda curled on the side where the broken ribs were on the top and laid her head on Livs chest. Amanda muttered thank you. She also muttered "I love you" but she did it very low so it wasnt heard. Though it was kinda heard or at least felt cause Liv kissed the top of her head and held her close. The doctor came in to do a routine check and was glad to see Amanda finally getting some solid rest. Even though co-sleeping in the hospital was frowned upon, this was the most relaxed Amanda had been since arriving there. Liv saw her and the nurse let her know if all continued to go well the rest of the night Amanda would be discharged in the morning.

The dream was back.. More detailing... the man was hurting her, had her restrained. He was ripping her pants down. She was begging him to stop, he just kept going. Whistling as he continued on. She kneed him hard. Her knee connected with his ribcage. He howled in pain. Snarling "you bitch, you're gonna get it." He yanked her pants off hard. She was screaming. "Get the fuck off me. I said no" He laughed again and got pushed up a bit to push his pants down. It all happened so fast, it was litterally a blur, next thing she knew he was inside her. He was rough and she could feel herself being ripped. He lasted few minutes and then he whispered in her ear "this is what you get for being a slut."

She was thrashing around. Liv felt sudden kicks and scratches. She held Amanda a lil tighter. Amanda started begging to be let go. Liv softly spoke "Amanda sweetie, wake up, hes not here. Im here, its me Olivia." It took a few moments for Amanda to wake up.

Amanda was startled to say the least. She started speaking "Pressure, so much pressure. So rough. It hurts. Im bleeding... Im bleeding..." She fell back into hysterical tears. Liv stroked shoulders and arms. "Sweetie you're okay." Amanda looked up at her. "Liv, he did rape me didnt he?" Oh how Olivia's heart broke for the blonde in her arms. Liv held onto her girlfriend, she didnt want to be the one who broke this news to her. "Babe this is the last thing I wanted to tell you. Yes you were baby girl. And we will catch the son of a bitch." Amanda started to cry. "So my thoughts were right? I was unfaithful to you?" Amanda broke out of Liv's hold, tearfully speaking "Liv, I was unfaithful, I broke your trust. How can you want to be with me?" Liv just kept stroking her shoulders. Unsure of what to say at the moment.

Amanda fell back to sleep which was what she needed. Liv was hoping she could come home. But who's home would they stay at? Oh well they would figure it out in the morning.


	2. Chapter 2: Two Weeks Later

CHAPTER 2

Amanda made it through the night with no complications, thankfully. When she woke up her head was still pounding. Unfortunately as well since she was out of it and aggressive when she was brought in that the rape kit wasnt able to be done at the time. So now they had to do that before even thinking of releasing her. So besides a massive headache from her head injury, her broken ribs, she now had to have the pleasure of being violated all over again. She looked at Liv, and spoke softly "Do I really have to do this? He's not gonna get caught. I just wanna go home." She crossed her arms on her chest and had the child like stare. Liv gently rubbed her arms and kissed her shoulder "Sweetheart, you should do it. I'm here with you and I'm not leaving. For our peace of mind and so that there is a rape kit on file for when we catch this prick." Amanda nodded, holding her head down, trying not to show her fear. Liv kept telling her that she would be safe and that nothing could happen to her. Amanda all the sudden snapped. "Make fucking sure that it's a female doing the examination cause I can't handle another male touching me and..." she couldnt finish the sentence without crying. Olivia put her arms around Amanda gently as she couldnt squeeze tight cause of her broken ribs. "Of course Mandy, male doctors are not allowed to examine female rape victims and especially after last night there's no way in hell I would allow it either." Amanda still shook in fear. Her nasty, grouchy side was coming out. "Oh come the hell on, can they hurry shit up for real. Bad enough I gotta wear these shitty ass scrubs home. Plus my head is throbbing and my ribs hurt like a bitch." The nurse came in a short time later to bring Amanda to do the rape kit. The nurse turned out to be a male. Amanda was scared shitless, so bad in fact she started to stutter. "You-you-said-said-prom-prom-promised-Liv-you-you-promised-it-would-be-be-be-done-by-a-a-a-fe-fe-female." Olivia was pissed off. Not only was her girlfriend scared shitless and traumatized, but once again a male had entered the room when it was clearly stated "NO MALE NURSES OR DOCTORS". She told the male nurse to leave and he told her he was there to follow his orders Liv yelled at to leave. He finally left reluctantly. Olivia calmed Amanda down again and reassured her that a female would be doing the kit. She called the front desk and told them she wanted to speak with the head nurse and make damn sure a female entered Amanda Rollins' room cause if another male entered there was going to be hell to pay.

After some time a female nurse came in and Amanda who was still shaken up just kept repeating "no men please no men." The nurse was patient and told her no men and that she would be doing the rape kit. She also told her that she was going to be released right after as long as she had a ride home. Amanda was happy she wanted to get out of the hospital. As they did the rape kit, Liv did exactly as she said she would. She stayed right by Amanda, holding her hand and just talking to her. Oh how she hated to see her girlfriend in tears like this and she knew Amanda felt humiliated as well. So many people touching her private areas she didnt like this. The kit was grueling and made Amanda extremely pissy. After it was done, Amanda was given a fresh pair of scrubs and finally released.

Olivia text Fin to tell him that Amanda had been released and heading home. Once they got in Liv's car Liv decided to put her hand on Amanda's "honey I would prefer if you come to my apartment tonight and go from there just so I can be at ease that you're okay on your first day home." Amanda glared, "why all the sudden I need a fucking babysitter? I have a head injury and broken ribs. What the fuck? Now all the sudden you wanna be by my side? What you gonna protect me from, myself? Make sure I dont drink with my medication? I can take care of myself Liv. I'm a big girl." Olivia was hurt at Manda's statement but she didnt take it to heart as she knew Amanda was going through alot. She tried once again to get Amanda to come to her place. Amanda had spare clothes there and she felt Amanda would be more comfortable. After more prodding from Liv, Amanda gave in. "Fine Liv, Ill come to your apartment. Since you seem to think I need to be watched. Feels more like I'm your damn child than your girlfriend but whatever."

They got to Liv's apartment about forty minutes later as traffic was heavy this time of day in good ol' NYC. Amanda had fallen asleep, Liv looked over at her and she just looked soo peaceful. Hopefully the peacefulness would continue once she got Amanda to her place and situated. She would put Amanda in her room and take the couch as to not freak Amanda out, plus Amanda's mood wasnt the greatest and she really didnt want to stress the already stressed to the max blonde out even more. At a stop Liv decided she needed a pic of her sleeping beauty. So she took out her phone quickly and snapped a pic. Amanda whimpered and shifted uncomfortably in the seat, oh how Liv wished traffic would fuck off and she could get home already. Liv just put her hand on Manda's shoulder and told her softly they'd be home soon. Amanda's whimpering eased after that. She woke Amanda about five minutes before they got there so that the young blonde would have time to wake up a bit. When Liv finally parked at her place, she went and opened up Amanda's door to help her out. Amanda took her hand "Thanks Liv".

They got into the apartment. Liv walked Amanda into her bedroom. Amanda looked at her questioningly, "Uh Liv, how come you're setting me up in here? Shouldnt I be on the couch after how Ive treated you?" Liv smiled easy and placed her hand gently on Manda's back, for the first time since the rape kit Amanda didnt flinch. "Baby I'm not going to punish you for that. The bed is a whole lot more comfortable. I know you're itching to get out of those scrubs, thankgod you have some clothes here. I know being in your own clothes will make you more at ease. Amanda nodded and sat easily on the bed. Her ribs were aching like a bitch. She sighs, "Liv I know I cant take a shower for fear I'll lose my balance, but is there anyway I can take a bath. I feel absolutely filthy and gross." She looked down as she said that. Liv smiled. "Sure sweetie. I can wash your hair if you like?" Amanda nodded, "I'd like and appreciate that." Liv drew the bath water, making sure it wasnt too hot but hot enough to hopefully relax the tense muscles and make Amanda feel clean. She held up a towel as she helped Amanda disclothe, she wanted to give Amanda some privacy. Once Amanda sat down comfortably Liv put the body wash and louffe in reach. "Manda when you're ready for your hair to be washed yell for me. I'm going to lay out some clean clothes for you." Amanda relaxed and cleaned herself. Calling for Liv a short time later to wash her hair. After that she got out, Liv helped her dress without looking too much at her. Helped her into the bed. When Liv went to go out to the other room Amanda grabbed at her hand, in a soft vulnerable voice she pleaded, "Stay with me please. I dont want to be alone. I felt safer when you held me." Liv nodded that she'd stay. She quickly changed into pajamas and climbed into bed. Amanda scooted closer to her and cuddled. Liv kissed her forehead. Amanda drifted off to a peaceful slumber, her beautiful girlfriend holding her, protecting her, all she wanted and needed to feel safe.


	3. Chapter 3 Bar Antics

Chapter 3

Its about two weeks later:

Amanda's nightmares had subsided somewhat. They werent totally gone. She had however gone back to her apartment. She couldnt make up her mind whether she wanted to be alone or not, but with the spats that her and Liv kept getting into she figured it was best. They still hadn't found her rapist which was very unsettling. Olivia was stressed and worried while Amanda was just stressed out. She was very much the loner type and hated being coddled but at the same time when it was Liv actually holding her through her nights she felt safe. Fin was constantly checking up on her and she kept saying she was fine. Though she wasnt allowed back to work until her doc cleared her for duty. She decided she was going to go out for a few drinks. Liv had said it was best to take a break between them when she left and all Amanda could do was shrug. Since she wanted to go and drink she figured she'd dress up a bit. Having someone give her compliments could boost her ego a bit. She saw that Liv was texting her but where Liv wanted this "break" between them she didnt answer her.

Heading out to the bar, Amanda's mind was telling her this was a bad idea, but at the same time it was encouraging her to go out and have some fun. She desperately needed to have some fun. After all she was young and werent young people supposed to be carefree and have fun? She sure did before she set her sights on Liv and always wanting to be in her good graces. Wierd side effect too right now she was incredibly horny and there was no way she was going to call and beg Liv to be with her. No fucking way, she didnt need to look that pathetic and she sure as hell never had to beg her partners for sex.

When she got to the bar, it was busy but not that busy. She sat at the bar and ordered her first drink, a whiskey on the rocks. The bartender handed her the drink and she drank it immediately. The golden liquid feeling good going down. She liked the taste so she ordered another. She drank that one just as quickly. After a lil while and a few more drinks a guy came over and sat down beside her. At first he was nice, giving her compliments on how she looked. He bought her one more drink before Amanda had said she was good. He told her to have another cause it would loosen her up a bit. She didnt like that. She didnt like to be told what to do. He offered her another drink and she turned it down. She already was hammered, but at the same time sober enough to know she wasnt going home with him. He grabbed her arm abruptly "Hey beautiful lets dance." Amanda scowled and yanked her arm back. "I dont want to dance. Im good right here." He put his arm around her shoulder this time and whispered in her ear " _come on sweet thing, lets go out dance to our own music."_ Okay Amanda thought, she had given this guy fair warning. She would give him one more chance. "Look Mr, I appreciate the drink and the somewhat decent conversation but I dont want to dance with you nor do I want to leave with you."

She had given this prick fair warning. He was killing her buzz and rather than flattering her, now he was pissing her off. She couldnt get him to back off. She attempted to tell him one more time to leave her the hell alone and he decided he was going to get really handsy, he grabbed her arm and yanked her hard enough she stood up. She was really pissed. After he had her standing up he tried to put his arm around her and in that process he reached down and grabbed her ass.

Amanda was at her breaking point. "You son of a bitch, get your fucking hands off of me. I dont want to be touched. I dont fucking know you from the next guy so kindly take your dirty hands off of my ass." Instead of removing his hand from her ass he groped it and told her he'd give her a worthy ride and she certainly wouldnt be saying "no". By this time Amanda had finally had enough she turned around kneed him in the balls and bitch slapped him the face. "Motherfucker I told you to leave me alone. I fucking meant it." The bouncers came over to break it up. Amanda yelling that she was a NYC detective and he wasnt going to get away with touching her ass. When she's drunk Amanda can be quite mouthy. The bartender knew that Amanda was part of the special victims unit and he called Lieutenant Benson to come down since he didnt want Amanda in any trouble.

Olivia showed up to the bar a short time later. Before she walked up to Amanda she took a minute to just look at her from afar. God was she gorgeous. Very rare to see Rollins dressed up. Rollins was in a short black dress that clung to her hour-glass figure and black stilletto heels, her hair was hanging on her shoulders. Cleavage visible which was something Olivia wasnt used to seeing on Amanda. Holy shit Liv was starting to regret her decision on telling Amanda they should take a break. Right now her thoughts had turned quite dirty and all she wanted to do was get Amanda home and rip that dress off of her. She needed to stop that cause she had a feeling all this occured at the bar because Amanda was pissed off at her.

Olivia finally walked up to Amanda. She braced herself cause Amanda wasnt going to be happy at all. "Hi Amanda. I think I should take you home." Amanda turned around and glared at her. She then spat. "I'm not going anywhere with you O-LIV-I-A, you said we needed a break REMEMBER?" Olivia tried to grab her hand gently to lead Amanda out of the bar. Amanda was so drunk she was starting to stumble. She finally let Olivia put her arm around her waist to keep her in the upright position and not on her ass infront of everyone. Amanda leans into Liv whispering in her ear, _"you know Liv, you coming to get me in your blues has made me wet. You can test if you like. I wont mind. How are you going to take care of that?"_ Olivia blushed a bit. She hadnt witnessed this bold side of Amanda before. "Amanda honey let me get you to the car." Ohh now Liv was calling her honey she thought. Her voice husky from all the booze " _oh I taste like honey all right, you're more than welcome to have a taste."_ Olivia just buckled Amanda in the car. She was something tonight and what Amanda was saying was hitting Liv hard cause her seeing Manda dressed up like that was really turning her on. Amanda started wiggling in her seat trying to get comfortable. Amanda was infact horny as ever and she was determined to get Liv on the same wavelength. "Hey Liv wanna see a magic trick?" As she said that she had unbuckled her strapless bra and pulled it out and dangled it to catch Liv's eye. Olivia couldnt even say anything all she knew was she needed to get Amanda home and fast before she ended up crashing the car over Amanda taunting her. Amanda knew she was getting to Liv. One last thing to get Liv to move her ass home. "Hey Liv, second trick is... the disappearing panties." She had taken the completely drenched panties off and threw them out the window.

So with this cliff hanger of sorts... How the hell is Liv gonna get them home? Especially with Amanda's antics. Will they make love? Will Amanda fall asleep? We shall see in the next chapter. Thanks for reading and as always reviews are welcome. xxx


	4. Chapter 4: Insatiable

**OK so this is rated M: if you dont like a sexual encounter, do not read. This is pure SMUT when you get into it. As always for the ones who read it, I hope you enjoy! As always feedback is welcome and greatly appreciated as long as it is constructive**

They finally got to Liv's apartment. Amanda was still drunk as all hell and taunting Olivia. She found Liv sexy as hell and even not drunk she'd want her. She didnt let up on Liv at all. At one point walking up to Olivia's door she said "you know Im not wearing any underwear, I seriously tossed them out the window and Im completely hot for you." Olivia just opened the door to her apartment. She guided the drunk blonde into her apartment. Once the door was shut Amanda grabbed Liv gently and kissed her. The kiss became heated fast. She wanted this woman and bad. When the kiss was broken for them needing air Amanda spoke. "You are the reason that I acted this way. Granted I am drunk but I know fully well what I am doing." Olivia wanted this woman as well. She was so wrong when she said they needed a break. She couldnt stand the thought of being without this gorgeous blonde before her, she had awoken a fervescent need inside of her. Liv was able to get her jacket off and shoes. Amanda had removed her shoes as well, Liv wasnt sure how she did that but they were gone. Amanda got tired of the waiting and grabbed Liv's hand, she placed it right at her heat, Amands's voice got extremely husky "I need you to touch me, I need you to satisfy my needs. My body needs and wants you. Olivia, make love to me or fuck me. It doesnt matter which as long as your naked and touching me." Liv adored her girlfriend, but she was getting fed up with the taunting. Amanda wasnt the only one with pent up sexual frustration. "Oh Amanda you are going to get what you ask for trust me. This has been a long time coming." Somehow, someway they had made it into the bedroom.

Olivia had gotten her very drunk girlfriend to the bedroom and laid her down on the bed. Oh the drunk blonde was quite touchy feely. Grabbing at Liv, gently but at the same time showing her that she wasnt kidding she wanted the intimacy between them. Now that Liv finally got the point, she felt the urge too. Now she wanted this beautiful, blue eyed blonde in more ways than one. They started frantically pulling at each others clothes, trying to rid the obtrusive garments in record time. They both craved, needed and wanted the skin to skin contact, the warmth, the softness, the complete nakedness. They still kissed the whole while getting each other undressed. Some of the clothes had tears, more of Liv's bra and panties as Amanda's bra was in the car somewhere and well her panties, that was another issue. The smell of their arousals filled the air mixing into an intoxicating aroma of lusterous female sex. Olivia finally broke their kiss and worked her way down Amanda's neck, where she kissed, sucked and nipped at her pulsepoint. Oh she knew Amanda's spots. Soft moans came from both women as they claimed each other's body with their mouths, tongues and hands.

Amanda maneuvered them so that their pussies were pressed firmly together. The grinding and pulsating heat from each woman's core driving the other wild as hell. Amanda then reached down and spread both their lips so that their clits could rub against each other. Liv moaned feeling the silky wet flesh of her girlfriends wet pussy against her own. In return Lv started moving her hips, rubbing their pussies harder together creating friction that shot through their bodies like electricity was sending shockwaves through them. Liv waited a moment to catch the rhythm then she started pushing back against the beautiful blonde on top of her. Their moans getting more powerful, the sound of the bed scratching against the hardwood floor and hitting the wall, and the sound of moist, wet flesh slapping together filled the lust filled air. Amanda's nails dragged down Liv's back delivering delicious nips of pain. Their wetness mixed together and ran down Amanda's thighs and ass wetting the satin sheets below them. They made love hard, hard and fast trying each trying desperately to bring the other to the brink of becoming one.

"OHH FUCK!" Amanda screamed in delight as she tightened her legs around Liv's waist.

"MMMM! YES!" Liv moaned out loud and sped up as she got closer to her orgasm. She needed Amanda there with her. Amanda could feel how hard Liv's clit was. She was so close to cumming but fought it, wanting them to cum together. "Cum with me love." She cried out as she grinded into her.

Liv looked down at Amanda and their eyes locked. Amanda growled "FUCK ME LIV!" The headboard banged against the wall as the intensity of their passion-fueled lovemaking increased. Liv flicked Amanda's clit hard as Amanda in return did the same.

"OHH FUCK YES!" Amanda screamed as she came hard and pulled Liv tight to her. Liv screamed out the same time "FUCK ME BABY! YES BABY!" Both bodies trembling as the orgasms rocketed through them. They came with each other and it was like a tidal wave of pure wetness. They both laid, clad in each others wetness and arms, gasping for breath but not wanting to let go of each other, still intertwined with one another. Liv looked at Amanda, "you ok Mandy?" Liv asked still out of breath.

Amanda smiled, kissing Liv's lips before answering. "I'm great baby. How bout you?" That southern twang coming out still with a hint of lust.

"I'm great. I just had the greatest lovemaking session with my sexy ass girlfriend." She sighed with pure bliss.

"I did too babe. That was just... There are legit no words to describe what my body is feeling right now." Amanda pulled the covers over them, refusing to let Liv get up and be dressed. She wanted to enjoy the skin to skin contact still. She cuddled close to the love of her life, resting her head on Liv's breast, listening to her heartbeat. They kissed once more before falling asleep.


	5. Chapter 5: Morning After

**Here is chapter 5.. this one got away from me. Totally had other ideas for this one, but it legit took on a mind of its own. Hope yall enjoy. Feedback is always welcome.**

Chapter 5 -Morning after...Reflections

They slept pretty soundly after their wild night. Amanda cuddled with Olivia. She liked this skin on skin, though she knew Liv wasnt totally comfortable sleeping naked she appreciated that she indeed did it for her _. Her mind was wondering on the body of this woman, she had fallen in love with the woman but she hadnt had the balls to tell her yet. How could she tell her especially after last night. After she pretty much forced her hand and acted like a complete horny ass teenager. Who the fuck takes their panties off and throws them out the car window, let alone that person being a detective. Come on Amanda what the hell is wrong with you? She continued to chastise herself for her behavior._

Amanda continued to stare at the woman who she loved but hadnt told yet. Neither of them scheduled to work today so maybe they could just spend the day together. Oh how Amanda hoped so. Olivia woke up shortly after to Amanda kissing her lips gently. "Mmmm now that's a nice way to wake up." She pulled Amanda into a hug, mindful of her ribs that were still healing, she kissed her hotly. "Good morning to you beautiful. How are you this morning?" Amanda blushed at being called beautiful, especially in the buff, just like Liv she didnt think she was remotely pretty and it was hard to believe when someone told them they were. Amanda smiled, "well good morning to you my beauty. Im doing well. Especially after last night. That was incredible babe." Liv smiled and blushed. "Well last night was easy especially being with someone as sexy as you. Couldnt have been any better even if it had been planned." Amanda was happy and relieved to know that Liv didnt regret what had transpired between them. Yeah there had been make-outs, hot as all hell kisses but where they were a newer couple they hadnt been intimate until last night.

They both needed a shower but neither of them at all anxious to get up and start the day. Both happened to enjoy the relaxing, tenderness of laying together. Amanda looked at Liv, "well my sweet lover, I'm going to get my ass up, though I dont want to and hop in the shower. Can I get a kiss before I leave the room?" Liv smirked, "Of course you can. Come here gorgeous." Liv kissed Manda hotly, when she broke the kiss she swatted her ass "Get that sexy ass in the shower before I change my mind." Amanda's brow raised "Really Liv, I can wait." Liv swatted her again "Go babe, or we wont get anywhere today. We should go out and we should go get you some clothes from your place." Amanda again smiled before strutting into the bathroom. "You really want me to stick around longer?" Liv thought to herself, did she reallt want Amanda to stay, this soon into the relationship? She liked being around her, liked how well they fit with each other and fit in with each others habits.

Amanda in the shower had put on the radio. The song "Insatiable" came on and she started singing to it. She loved flow of the song and just sang as she washed her hair. She was so oblivious to singing along with the song and washing her hair she didnt hear the door open nor see Liv come in. Liv had shed clothes in the room and opened the shower curtain...

"Mind if I join you? I could wash some of those hard to reach spots." Liv asked with a smile as she eyed up the blonde beauty in the shower with the water cascading over her gorgeous body. Amanda smiled and shook her head, "Sure babe, you can join me." Manda in turn, turned around and kissed Liv. Liv growled softly "babe now behave, I just came in to conserve time and water." Amanda closed her eyes and smirked, with a playful but sarcastic tone she replied "Sure Liv, just to conserve water eh?" Liv had started lathering up her back and gently scrubbing her. Liv nipped her shoulder "Not my fault you're a beautiful distraction." Amanda smiled yet again, she wasnt used to getting compliments. Liv decided she was going to repay the blonde for her antics last night. She gently pushed her back against the shower wall. Amanda groaned, her body suddenly languid and needing Liv's touch. She could feel her core start to ache with the need of sexual gratification. Liv plunged her fingers in Manda's heat and plunged her tongue in Amanda's mouth. Of course Amanda was game for this. Manda kissed her back with a quickness. Liv's arm around her waist, Manda was backed against the wall, she wrapped her legs around Liv keeping her fingers in her tightly. She was riding the waves as Liv pumped. She broke the kiss to breathe and arched her head back exposing her breasts for Liv to suckle on and Liv took full advantage of having these beautiful breasts all for the taking. She suckled on each breast until they puckered and back up Amanda's neck to her lips once again, kissing her with a passion that could light the whole city of Manhattan ablaze. Amanda was close she could feel her body starting to tremble as the orgasm was rocking through her body. "Oh my god Liv. Oh yes baby, fuck yes...YES..." Amanda let go and her juiced covered Liv's hands. Liv took a cum covered finger in her mouth and sucked. "Damn Amanda you not only feel and smell good but holy fuck you taste good too." Liv kissed Amanda and proceeded to step out the shower. Now that was her way of thanking her for showing her how to love again. She didnt know if the blonde felt what she felt. As she grabbed a towel and the blonde continued to rinse off. She waited til she knew Amanda's head was under the water again. "I love you Mandy." She said just loud enough for Amanda to cock her head. Just as Liv closed the door Amanda had shut the water off. "Wait, what was that Liv?"

 **What do u think it is? Did Amanda hear Liv's confession?**


	6. Chapter 6: Did She Just Say She Loved Me

The last few moments playing in her mind. Holy hell Liv just rocked her world. And the last things before Liv walked out and closed the door. Did she really just say she loved her? Had she heard her right? Or was her heart making her ears hear what it wanted to hear? Did the person she loved most in the world actually feel the same way about her? Holy shit her mind was completely blown.

Does she go out there and say it back? Does she ask Liv to repeat what she said? Fuck man she was stunned at what she heard. She was conflicted cause she did love the beautiful brunette.

Amanda put her towel around her body, the soft towel feeling good on her now clean and refreshed body. She opened the door and saw that Liv had made the bed and scantered off to the kitchen to get some coffee. She had made a pot of coffee just enough for her and Amanda to have two cups each.

Amanda put on a cute lil coral pink sundress since it was summer time out and the weather was warm. She kinda wanted to go to the beach and then go get a few things, but her fucking ribs were killing her. She walked out to the kitchen and Liv. "Hey Liv." Liv turned around and the sight of the pretty blonde in a dress almost did her in again. "You look beautiful Amanda." Amanda blushed at the compliment and the look that Liv was giving her. Liv took a sip of her coffee and asked Amanda what she wanted to do for the day besides going to get some more clothes. Amanda fumbled with the bottom of dress nervously, she hated being put on the spot. She really wanted to go out to the beach but she didnt even know if Liv was a beach person.

 _Fucking hell, why was she second guessing herself? Oh she knew why, she had those fucking bruises on her side as well as the broken ribs. She had no business trying to sport a bathing suit. Maybe the beach was a bad idea after all._

Olivia looked at Amanda, gently went over to her and put her hands on her hips. She could tell something was up by the way Amanda's body language was. She nuzzled Manda's neck "What's up babe? Something on your mind?" Amanda sighed. "Im kinda down, its nothing you did trust me." Liv gently lead the pretty blonde over to the couch. "Can you tell me why you're feeling down?" Amanda shrugged, "I dont know what it is. I just started feeling this way ever since I put this dress on. I kinda wanna go to the beach but at the same time I dont want to be seen in a bathing suit, cause come on Liv who the fuck wants to see nasty ass bruises?" Liv scooted closer to the blonde, "Sweetie its not the bruises that make you. Honey you do and wear whatever you want. As long as you think its pretty than you do it." Manda smiled, placed her head on Liv's shoulder "But I dont want to embarrass you with that." Liv touched her chin lightly, kissing her lips gently. "Babe you arent embarrassing me, not one bit. You know what I'll see? I'll see that Im the luckiest lady cause I'll have the prettiest blonde on my arm. That's what Ill see. So you wanna go to the beach? We will go to the beach my lady."

Amanda was still leary on letting Liv see her in her bathing suit, but she really did want to go to the beach. Liv stayed true to her word and held her. She held her close as they walked along the beach. When they found a spot since Amanda was pale as hell she put sunscreen on her girlfriend. As Liv was doing that Amanda decided to just ask what was on her mind. "Hey Olivia, did you mean what you said this morning?" Liv looked confused for a minute. "Did I mean what beautiful?" Liv continued to massage the lotion on Amanda's back, enjoying being able to touch her. Amanda mumbled, barely audible "did you mean it when you said you loved me?" Liv didnt hear her as Manda was mumbling. Liv stopped the caressing of her back and had Manda roll over on her back. "What are you asking baby, I couldnt hear you. You seemed to mumble it out." Manda bit her lip, taking a deep breath "Did you mean it when you said 'I love you?'" Amanda was internally chastising herself for asking that question especially so early on. They had only been together a couple months. Olivia didnt think she had heard her say that this morning. Just as she was about to answer Amanda had gotten up, softly spoke "Nevermind I asked that Liv. Maybe I was infact hearing things." She felt incredibly awkward now and just a bit stupid. She walked down to the waters edge. Liv wanted to go after her but she was stuck. She had recalled saying she loved her yes, but what she didnt know herself was if she said it in the heat of the moment. Liv finally managed to get up a few minutes later and walked down to where Amanda was at the waters edge. She attempted to put her arms around Amanda, she seemed to be able to tell Amanda how she was feeling without using words. But Amanda didnt want the touch. Right now she was a bit hurt and didnt know how to voice it herself without it blowing completely out of proportion. Maybe she just should have kept her mouth shut.

They stayed at the beach a few more hours. The awkwardness between them now was quite evident. Amanda was hurt, and Liv was confused. Olivia got called into work on a case that was breaking. They went back to Liv's without a word to each other. They didnt even speak when Liv was leaving. After Liv left, Manda gathered what little things she had at Liv's and headed home to her apartment. Amanda felt her heart breaking in two.

Amanda was thinking 'how could today had gone have gone so damn wrong. She should have kept her damn mouth shut. 'Way to go Rollins, way to fuck up again.' She just wanted today to end. Now her damn head hurt, her heart hurt. Was there anyway to fix this? She couldnt take Liv not even speaking to her on the ride home, not even holding hands or even a hug and or kiss goodbye. This fucking hurt. She let herself trust the brunette woman, and just like before it bit her in the ass royally.

She put her clothes away and went and laid on the futon. Turning on the tv, flipping channels to see if something caught her eye. She found something and soon fell asleep as tears streamed down her cheeks.

Olivia was at work, totally oblivious that she was bout to go home and her girlfriend wouldnt be there. The case had been somewhat long, but they got all the info they could for the time being and were at a stand still. All Olivia wanted to do was go home, have a glass of wine and cuddle with her girlfriend.

Olivia was pretty shocked when she got home, and didn't find her girlfriend there. She didnt recall Amanda saying she had to go anywhere. She looked around and didnt find any of Amanda's things. "What the hell is going on here?" She text Amanda "Hey babe, where are you?"

 **So what do you think will happen? Will Olivia be able to figure out why Amanda left? Will Amanda text her back?**


	7. Chapter 7: Just Be Honest With Me

_Olivia is home trying to figure out what the hell is going on. She thought their day had gone well. Started off by making love to her girlfriend in the shower. Damn that was hot and fun. Amanda was just so beautiful. She brought the spontanity out of her. She was never one to just join in the shower. But with Amanda she did. But when Amanda asked her if she meant what she said. She did recall saying "I Love You" but being put on the spot like that really took her by surprise. Fuck.._

 _Amanda woke up a lil while later. She saw Liv had text and she just couldnt bring herself to answer it. She felt like an ass. She heard the brunette and she knew she heard right. Why was it so hard for her just to admit "yeah Amanda I said I love you." What the hell was so hard in that?_

Oivia got impatient with Amanda not answering her message. She sent another text **"Manda I miss you. What's up with you?"** Amanda didnt want to answer, the more and more she saw the texts the more hurt and angry she got. She felt lead on. She had trusted Liv. She let Liv in. Liv resent the text, she hadnt seen Manda respond. So Amanda responded **"nothing Liv. Im fine. Laying on my futon relaxing. Have a nice night."** Now Liv was getting fed up. They had been intimate twice in two days, and now all the sudden Amanda was closing herself off. Liv left her alone for a bit. She tuned into a movie and ended up crashing. It had been a hell of a day besides the beach and the case at hand, trying to figure out Amanda was giving her a headache.

The next morning, Olivia had driven down to Amanda's apartment. She braced herself and knocked on the blondes door. It took a few moments and she finally heard Amanda say "Hold on a minute I'll be right there." When she opened the door, she wasnt pleased to see Liv standing on the other side of the door. She folded her arms under her breasts. Olivia looked at the blonde woman before her. It was clear she had gotten the same amount of rest last night that Liv had gotten, which wasnt much. Amanda stood there clearly annoyed at the brunette staring at her. What she expect, Amanda to be up and dressed, in a good mood. Well that certainly wasnt the case. She was still in her t-shirt and shorts and her mood wasnt pleasant. "What are you doing here Olivia?" Olivia looked at her. "Amanda may I come in so we can talk?" Amanda didnt make eye contact. "Sure I guess."

Olivia stepped inside. She didnt even attempt to hug Amanda. She was treading thin ice. Now she had no idea of how Amanda was feeling or what was going on in her head. Amanda was annoyed as all hell. "Look Liv, why are you here? Didnt my not answering you tell you that I didnt want to talk?" Olivia took a deep breath and watched Amanda as she grabbed a bottle of water and sat down opposite to where Liv was standing. Liv spoke "Mind if I grab a bottle of water?" Amand threw her hand up as to say "help yourself." Liv got her bottle of water and sat down. She could see Amanda hurting, but she honestly didnt know what was going on. All she knew was Amanda's mood drastically changed at the beach and then she went into silent treatment. "Amanda can you please tell me what's going on?"

Amanda rolled her eyes back to catch the tears that were threatening to betray her and come down her cheeks. _No she didnt want Olivia to know that she had cried herself to sleep last night. She didnt want her to know that she was so in love with her that when Liv didnt own up to what she said it was like a knife cutting her_. _She didnt want Liv to know she was this vulnerable. For fucks sake why was it so hard for anyone to admit they loved her. Was she this shitty of a person, this fucked up human being who's feelings couldnt be hurt just cause she came across as a hardass? She deserved some kind of love and affection didnt she?_

Olivia again asked Amanda to talk to her, to tell her what was wrong. Liv not admitting or owning up to Amanda when she asked the question made Amanda question if she was good enough for Liv. Cause right now she sure as hell didnt feel like it. Amanda was trying so hard to keep it together and not lose her shit infront of Liv and make herself feel even more like an ass than she already does. Amanda decided she was going to let Liv know how she felt. She wasnt going to hold back and yes Liv was going to feel the wrath of her anger and hurt. "Ok O-L-I-V-I-A you say you wanna know what is bothering me. You know what I heard you this morning. Yeah when you were walkin' out of the bathroom I heard you say _'I love you Mandy.'_ I am Mandy aint I? So I asked you at the beach if you meant what you said. All I wanted to hear was you say it to me. But nope you didnt say it and it felt like you took it back and didnt mean it. Jokes on me right?" Amanda was beyond hurt. She felt like she was being mocked. She took a drink of her water, put it on the table and went over to the window.

Liv was thinking _Holy shit, she heard me this morning. 'Oh for fucks sake what did I do? I never meant to hurt her. And look what I did. I hurt her. How do I go about fixing this? I dont want to lose her.'_ Liv was torn as all hell. The last thing she wanted to do was hurt Amanda. _'Why didnt she admit that she loved Amanda. Why was she so fucking stupid?'_ Amanda was just staring out the window. She felt so fucking stupid. _Of course Liv wasnt gonna say se loved her. Who seriously wanted to admit that. She had more hangups and issues than anyone knew. She thought Liv would have been the one she would have told everything to, obviously not._

Amanda had definitely had enough. She wanted Liv to leave. She knew Liv didnt love her. She knew she was stupid. She sure as shit didnt want or need her nose rubbed into it. Amanda swiped her tears away "Look Liv, I fuckin cant take it today okay. Just leave. Just cause I come across as a hardass doesnt mean I dont have fucking feelings. That fucking hurt today ok. Really fucking hurt. So just go. Walk away, I cant get attached anymore it'll kill me in the long run. Best do it now and have clean break."

Liv couldnt take it anymore. She'd never seen Amanda like this. She wanted to take Amanda into her arms and just hold her. Thats all she wanted to do. She bit the bullet and walked over to the window Amanda was at and grabbed her. Amanda did not want her holding her. She was mad as hell. "Let me fucking go Liv." Olivia held tighter as Amanda struggled against her. Amanda's tears were coming down. "One thing about me Liv, you see I'm not embarrassed or afraid to say 'I love you, which I do Olivia. I love you. All I wanted to know was that you did infact mean it when you said you loved me. Do you know how much it hurt when you just looked at me like I was fucking crazy for asking that?" Liv looked down, she didnt realize how bad she infact had hurt Amanda until now.

Amanda again asked Liv to let her go. Liv wouldnt though. She held onto Amanda tight. Amanda gave in and stopped struggling. "Liv you feel good holding me, but this isnt what you want." Olivia turned the blonde to face her. She did love this woman. Why she didnt tell her she loved her was beyond her. She didnt want to tell her now cause she didnt want Amanda to think she was just saying it to say it.

Olivia stayed a bit, they relaxed a lil more. Amanda still hurt, and Liv still hadnt said it again. Liv got called into the precinct. She kissed Amanda on the cheek and asked if she could come back later after she was finished with the paperwork. Amanda hugged her. "Yes, Liv you can come back." As Olivia gathered her keys to leave she looked at Amanda in her eyes. This woman had the bluest eyes she had ever seen. She pulled Amanda closer to her, "Amanda I do love you. Im sorry I should have said it when you asked me. I was shocked that you had heard me. But yes I do love you very much." Amanda looked at her, tears filling up her eyes. "Aw Liv, you dont have to say that just cause I'm hurt." Liv snuggled Amanda closer, "babe I'm not saying it for that. I'm saying it because that's how I feel. I love you Amanda Rollins. Now what is the next step with us. I know I dont want to spend another night alone without you in my arms. I slept like shit." Amanda didnt want to spend the night alone without her either. She too had slept like complete shit. "I dont want to sleep alone again either Liv."

 **Will Liv come back over? Seems Amanda forgave her for now. Will Liv let her down again?... Tell me your thoughts. As always constructive reviews are welcome. See you next chapter**


	8. Chapter 8: Damaged TRIGGER WARNINGS

**FIRST AND FOREMOST... THIS IS A HIGHLY TRIGGERED CHAPTER. DEALS WITH A DETAILED RAPE. IF THIS BOTHERS YOU OR COULD LEAD TO A TRIGGER FOR YOU, PLEASE DONT READ. I DONT WANT YOU TO BE TRIGGERED OVER MY WRITING AND IMAGINATION. VERY DARK CHAPTER. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK..**

Amanda felt better once Olivia told her the truth of how she was feeling, and that she owned up and admitted to saying she loved her. That's all that she had wanted. The thoughts in her mind now were quite troubling. Would Olivia feel the same way when she was faced with what Amanda needed to tell her?

Amanda lay on her futon, curling up with a pillow, the thoughts in her head were bringing tears to her eyes. Noone knew any of this. It was all a secret but a big reason to why besides the Patton issue she got into gambling. How was she going to tell Liv this? She didnt want Liv to hate her or think any differently of her.

Amanda's thoughts ran wild. Noone, absolutely noone knew what she endured as a child, teenager and as a young adult. She had been physically assaulted at a young age by both of her parents. The beatings daily. They werent just smacks here and there. No they were legit ass beatings. A majority of the time a belt was involved and oh that fucker hurt. It was always Amanda that got the beatings. Never Kim. Amanda could be coming home from school getting ready to do homework and that damn belt would come out of nowhere. Alot of the time it was cause her mama was drunk and just felt the need. Her father would come and take it out on her after a day of gambling, usually it was when he lost, and holy shit he lost alot and would come home pissed the hell off. Who would get the brunt of that? Yeah you guessed it Amanda would.

It got progressively worse, the more her father was out gambling, the more her mother drank. Her mother would leave Amanda home alone to watch Kim and go to the nearest bar and get wasted. Most likely bringing home a guest to entertain at night. Sometimes her guests would finish early and her mother would let them scope out the house. They had started to stumble into Amanda's room. One night her mother found one of them. "Oh Amanda honey, he wont hurt you. He just wants to look at you." Yeah that was a crock of shit. Next thing Amanda knew she was screaming "no" and that she didnt want this. Her mother told her it was paying her dues since she didnt do anything but bitch and complain. Mind you that wasnt true, Amanda went to school, took care of Kim and whatever chores were needed to be done around the shitty ass house they lived in. God she fucking hated it there. She hated her life in Loganville. Another night, same instance. Only this time her mother had brought Amanda to her room. For some reason her mother wanted to watch the torture and humiliation happening to her daughter. This one took no time. He wasnt gentle and was extremely rough. As Amanda cried "No" continuously, you know what the elder lady did, she laughed and encouraged the man to continue on. All this time saying that Amanda needed to pay off the debt. What fucking debt? Amanda tried to push him away. Only made him more aggressive. He kept murmuring how hot she was. This was fucking gross, he was older, not supposed to look at young girls like that. But here he was with that creepy glint in eye, that smile, Amanda knew...

"Now honey dont fight him. Just let him take care of his needs and he'll be done." What kind of fucking parent says that to their child? What kind of parent let's this happen to their child, even brings them into the situation. "Well we cant let him have Kim, she's too young, you're still pure thats what will entice him." He pulled up her top, disgusting rough fingers caressing her stomach, roaming up her breasts. Her eyes teared up all you could see from her was tears fall from her eyes. Her mother scoffed and said she needed to learn how to be touched by a man. She didnt want to be touched by a goddamn man, one she was still a teenager and two she was more into girls at the moment. His hands wandered down more once again caressing the stomach. The touching was making her sick to her stomach. She wanted to get up and run, she knew what was coming. He started to get closer to her wetness. Fuck why was she wet, she didnt want this. She didnt want this at all. He traced around her center at first. Ugh the touch was just soo unbearable. She couldnt move, couldnt get away. He had her legs pinned, he had a dirty grin. She started to give up. He was going to take what he wanted anyway. He proceeded to push her legs further apart. As he leaned in her she could feel his member poking her in the thigh. She whimpered at the pressure of it. He bent down and began to lick and play with her private area. Where she was still young he could train her to what he liked. He licked, he bit, and it wasnt just a nibble, he bit her hard. Hard enough to make her scream. That made him get off even more. He stuck a finger in, she was wet and he hummed, rolling his eyes back in his head. "Hey Beth, shes really primed and ready for me." He sneered and looked back at Amanda "You ready baby girl cause you're world is about to be rocked." He then slid his penis inside of her as rough as he could. She yelped at the pain, as it felt like this was the time she got ripped. Oh he pounded into her, she could feel each and every thrust like it was ripping her insides out. At one point she just zoned out, almost like she was having an out of body experience. She wasnt sure how long she was there with him thrusting in and out of her, it felt like forever but tentively it never lasted that long. He was inside of her at least and hour. Finally starting to finish, the reason she knew that is that his thrusts got more powerful and he was grunting a hell of alot more. Finally she felt nothing. He must have finished. He slid out of her, not before kissing her cheek and whispering in her ear what a good job she did and how much fun he had. He also told her how he was looking forward to their next encounter. She looked at her mother, tears springing from her eyes and ran to her room.

She had taken a shower. Oh how much pain she was in. He was rough as hell and jesus christ he fucked her hard. Not to be crude. She hadnt been with a man before. Holy shit her mother or who was supposed to be her mother just let one of her fuck boys take her virginity. She felt disgusting. How could this be her life? How? She went into her room and cried her eyes out. She wanted to lock her door, but her mother in a drunken stupor one night had broken the lock off the door. She didnt feel safe at all. She wanted to sleep but at the same time was afraid to go into a deep restful sleep.

She had been awakened the next morning by her father screaming at her. Calling her a whore, and a slut. She looked at him telling him she couldnt fight him off. "Mama allowed it Daddy." was what she remembered saying. He didnt care to hear her reasons. "You fucked your mothers fuck boy Amanda, thats very slutty of you. I wont tolerate you showing your little sister your whorish, slutty ways. You must be punished." No sooner he said that, than that damn belt came out. He whipped her ass. She couldnt run, she couldnt hide. The welts she was getting now, were just to cover up the old ones.

Man why did those memories come back to her all the sudden. Amanda sure didnt want to remember all of that. How was she going to tell Liv all of this? Liv was gonna think the same thing she did.. That she was damaged. She wasnt the damaged that could be fixed. She was the damaged that was fucked up.


	9. Chapter 9: Revelations

Amanda had fallen asleep after all that. She waited as long as she could for Liv to come back over after work. Though it was pretty late Olivia made sure to keep her promise. She came back over after being satisfied her and the team had done everything possible for the case that they could without dropping from exhaustion. Fin told Liv to get going. He wanted her rested, and he knew how uncomfortable those cribs were, so rather than have her sleep in there he told her to let him do his job as sergeant and sent her home.

She had a key to Amanda's apartment, as Amanda had one to hers as well. When she turned the key and opened the door she heard the soft mumbles of the tv going. She quickly locked the door, took her shoes off and headed over to the futon. She saw her lady sleeping peacefully. She sat on the floor next to Amanda, she kissed her forehead and softly murmured "Im here sweetie."

Amanda stirred at the touch of Liv's lips to her head. She opened her bright blue eyes and saw the woman who meant the world to her. Who she loved dearly. A smile came across her face. "Hi babe. I'm so glad you decided to come back. I missed you." Liv looked at her. She got the feeling something was on her mind. Amanda sat up on the futon, Olivia moved up onto the couch, she wanted to pull Amanda in her arms but she wanted to make sure she was okay with that. "Babe, we gotta talk. I need to tell you things bout my past. Before we progress we need to talk. Then you can decide if infact you want to pursue things with me. My feelings havent changed for you, but I'm afraid yours will when you hear the things I need to tell you."

Olivia sat down and waited for her girlfriend to talk. What Amanda had to tell her wasnt going to be easy. Who the fuck wants to hear that their girlfriend was abused as a teenager? Forced to do things against her will. Made to do things by her mother, then having the shit beat out of her by her own father. This petite blonde woman, had never known any kind of love. Noone ever loved her. Thats why she needed to hear Liv admit it to her. That's why it hurt so much. Olivia could see tears in Amanda's eyes. She reached over and put her hand on hers.

Speaking softly "Manda sweetie, what's got you so upset? Baby talk to me. You said you needed to tell me something." Amanda's felt the tears burn in her eyes, she was so afraid this was going to be it for her and Liv. Amanda held Liv's hand, "Liv there's a major piece of my past that I need to tell you. I'll need you to be honest with me and what you think of me after I tell you all of it. Can you promise me that?" Olivia nodded, "Of course Baby, can I hold you as you tell me this or would you prefer not to do that?" Amanda brushed her tears away. "I'd love for you to do that, just incase it's too much and..." Amanda couldnt bring herself to say the last part. Olivia kissed her forehead again. "Let me just text Fin and let him know my phone is on silent, and for him to take care of everything." She did that and Fin had figured she was with Manda told her to enjoy her night. Amanda looked at Liv. "Where should I begin?" Liv put her hand on her shoulder, giving it a gentle, loving supportive squeeze, while looking into those deep blue beautiful eyes she loved looking into so much. "Babe you start where you're comfortable. Should I hold you now?" Amanda nodded and backed into Liv so that Liv could hold her tight. Taking a deep breath, she began...

"Noone, absolutely noone knew what she endured as a child, teenager and as a young adult. She had been physically assaulted at a young age by both of her parents. The beatings daily. They werent just smacks here and there. No they were legit ass beatings. A majority of the time a belt was involved and oh that fucker hurt. It was always Amanda that got the beatings. Never Kim. Amanda could be coming home from school getting ready to do homework and that damn belt would come out of nowhere. Alot of the time it was cause her mama was drunk and just felt the need. Her father would come and take it out on her after a day of gambling, usually it was when he lost, and holy shit he lost alot and would come home pissed the hell off. Who would get the brunt of that? Yeah you guessed it Amanda would.

It got progressively worse, the more her father was out gambling, the more her mother drank. Her mother would leave Amanda home alone to watch Kim and go to the nearest bar and get wasted. Most likely bringing home a guest to entertain at night. Sometimes her guests would finish early and her mother would let them scope out the house. They had started to stumble into Amanda's room. One night her mother found one of them. "Oh Amanda honey, he wont hurt you. He just wants to look at you." Yeah that was a crock of shit. Next thing Amanda knew she was screaming "no" and that she didnt want this. Her mother told her it was paying her dues since she didnt do anything but bitch and complain. Mind you that wasnt true, Amanda went to school, took care of Kim and whatever chores were needed to be done around the shitty ass house they lived in. God she fucking hated it there. She hated her life in Loganville. Another night, same instance. Only this time her mother had brought Amanda to her room. For some reason her mother wanted to watch the torture and humiliation happening to her daughter. This one took no time. He wasnt gentle and was extremely rough. As Amanda cried "No" continuously, you know what the elder lady did, she laughed and encouraged the man to continue on. All this time saying that Amanda needed to pay off the debt. What fucking debt? Amanda tried to push him away. Only made him more aggressive. He kept murmuring how hot she was. This was fucking gross, he was older, not supposed to look at young girls like that. But here he was with that creepy glint in eye, that smile, Amanda knew...

"Now honey dont fight him. Just let him take care of his needs and he'll be done." What kind of fucking parent says that to their child? What kind of parent let's this happen to their child, even brings them into the situation. "Well we cant let him have Kim, she's too young, you're still pure thats what will entice him." He pulled up her top, disgusting rough fingers caressing her stomach, roaming up her breasts. Her eyes teared up all you could see from her was tears fall from her eyes. Her mother scoffed and said she needed to learn how to be touched by a man. She didnt want to be touched by a goddamn man, one she was still a teenager and two she was more into girls at the moment. His hands wandered down more once again caressing the stomach. The touching was making her sick to her stomach. She wanted to get up and run, she knew what was coming. He started to get closer to her wetness. Fuck why was she wet, she didnt want this. She didnt want this at all. He traced around her center at first. Ugh the touch was just soo unbearable. She couldnt move, couldnt get away. He had her legs pinned, he had a dirty grin. She started to give up. He was going to take what he wanted anyway. He proceeded to push her legs further apart. As he leaned in her she could feel his member poking her in the thigh. She whimpered at the pressure of it. He bent down and began to lick and play with her private area. Where she was still young he could train her to what he liked. He licked, he bit, and it wasnt just a nibble, he bit her hard. Hard enough to make her scream. That made him get off even more. He stuck a finger in, she was wet and he hummed, rolling his eyes back in his head. "Hey Beth, shes really primed and ready for me." He sneered and looked back at Amanda "You ready baby girl cause you're world is about to be rocked." He then slid his penis inside of her as rough as he could. She yelped at the pain, as it felt like this was the time she got ripped. Oh he pounded into her, she could feel each and every thrust like it was ripping her insides out. At one point she just zoned out, almost like she was having an out of body experience. She wasnt sure how long she was there with him thrusting in and out of her, it felt like forever but tentively it never lasted that long. He was inside of her at least and hour. Finally starting to finish, the reason she knew that is that his thrusts got more powerful and he was grunting a hell of alot more. Finally she felt nothing. He must have finished. He slid out of her, not before kissing her cheek and whispering in her ear what a good job she did and how much fun he had. He also told her how he was looking forward to their next encounter. She looked at her mother, tears springing from her eyes and ran to her room.

She had taken a shower. Oh how much pain she was in. He was rough as hell and jesus christ he fucked her hard. Not to be crude. She hadnt been with a man before. Holy shit her mother or who was supposed to be her mother just let one of her fuck boys take her virginity. She felt disgusting. How could this be her life? How? She went into her room and cried her eyes out. She wanted to lock her door, but her mother in a drunken stupor one night had broken the lock off the door. She didnt feel safe at all. She wanted to sleep but at the same time was afraid to go into a deep restful sleep.

She had been awakened the next morning by her father screaming at her. Calling her a whore, and a slut. She looked at him telling him she couldnt fight him off. "Mama allowed it Daddy." was what she remembered saying. He didnt care to hear her reasons. "You fucked your mothers fuck boy Amanda, thats very slutty of you. I wont tolerate you showing your little sister your whorish, slutty ways. You must be punished." No sooner he said that, than that damn belt came out. He whipped her ass. She couldnt run, she couldnt hide. The welts she was getting now, were just to cover up the old ones."

"Now you know Liv. You know everything. You can leave now if you want. That is why I needed to hear you say to me that you loved me." Amanda was so hurt, so vulnerable but now Liv knew.

Liv held on tight to the blonde. She was blown away of all what happened to her. This woman had gone through hell. Legit hell. Never hearing that she was loved. Now Liv completely understood why she reacted like she did. Why she got distant. All she wanted and needed was to be loved. Amanda's shudders with pain and some embarrassment. Liv softly spoke. "Babe I can tell you this and I mean it. I dont view you differently. I wouldnt change anything between us. Sweetheart that is your past. A very hard and troubling past." Amanda looked at her, Liv gently thumbed away the tears that were flowing, "Liv it doesnt scare you, or freak you out that I'm damaged? For fucks sake, my mother let her fuck buddy have sex with me. She fucking let him be my first. He ripped me, he hurt me. She didnt give a rats ass. Then...then...then...my father..." Amanda was soo hurt, the tears coming down were unstoppable. Olivia pulled the woman in her arms. "Sweetheart, calm down. You're safe." Amanda stuttered out "he-he h-hit me so-so-hard. I'm n-n-not a s-sl-slut." Liv grabbed her arms, pulled her face up so she could look into those blue eyes, she had to get her point stressed. "No you are not baby. No you are not." Amanda hugged her "all I wanted was love and attention. I didnt get any of that. The only attention I got, I sure as hell didnt want. I didnt want that attention." Amanda thrust herself into Liv's arms, cuddled into her breast, laying her head on her heartbeat. "Is it so wrong to want to be loved?" Liv placed a kiss on the top of Amanda's head, "Baby I love you. I mean it and I mean it from the bottom of my heart." Liv leaned back on the futon, pulling Amanda with her. Holding her close. Loving her. This is where Liv belonged, with Amanda.


	10. Chapter 10: Raw Feelings

_**Amanda just revealed her past to the woman she loved. She was so sure Liv would run. But where was Liv? Liv was holding her, reassuring her. Liv wasnt ashamed of her. Olivia's heart broke for all this woman went through. Honored that Amanda chose her to open up to.**_

Amanda gently caressed Liv's chin. "You really dont think I'm used goods? I shoulda fought huh? Coulda been a bit stronger." Liv kissed her lips gently, but also with a feverish need that she wasnt gonna leave. "Love, no I dont think you're used goods. You most certainly are not used goods. Honey you were hurt by the very people who were supposed to love and protect you." Amanda chewed her lip. "Yeah well they had to protect Kim so I guess I was the sacrificial lamb." Liv touched her face gently, "sweetheart you needed protecting too." Amanda shrugged, she broke out of Liv's hold and walked over to her window.

Amanda sighed "She let him touch me, she let him do everything he wanted to do to me. Including have sex with me. It wasnt just once either. As long as it wasnt Kim it was fine. Liv I was still a virgin. I mean really, how does a parent watch her daughter get forced into sex." Amanda had alot of questions, that were never going to be answered but she neeeded to get them out. Liv got up and went over to the window next to Amanda, putting her hands on her shoulders. "Sweetheart I have no answers to the questions, I have no clue what the hell was in their sick ass minds. I do no nothing has changed my feelings for you. I can give you reassurance in that. I will continue to be here for you. To help you through it, and most importantly to love you through it. Cause yes Amanda, I may have hesitated saying it before and I think it was cause I myself was scared at my own feelings being that strong so fast. But my darling Amanda, I honestly couldnt love you more. You've been the best thing that's happened to me.

Amanda covered her eyes with her hands. "All I want is to be loved. All I want is someone to love me. Love me, Amanda Marie Rollins." Olivia's heart was breaking for this woman. This woman who was so strong, but also was very good at keeping her feelings extremely guarded. Thing was Olivia did love her, does love her. She regrets not being honest when Amanda asked. At the same time if it makes any sense she is also glad that it happened like this too, cause it made the honest feelings come out. Olivia held her lady softly rocking them in place. "Babe, you are loved. You are loved by me. If that helps at all. I love you Amanda. I love you when you're working hard on a case, which you will be back to work soon. I love you when you're relaxed. I love you when you're in a silly mood and just having fun. And I even love you when you're pissed off. I love the way you convey and show your emotions. You dont ever have to hide them from me."

Amanda batted tears away, her voice breaking as she spoke "You really love me? I finally after all this time found someone who really loves me? I dont mean to question you or make you feel like shit Liv. This is all just so new to me. Liv they used me, abused me, and all for their own gain. Didnt matter that I needed the simplest thing, they just took and took and took." Olivia just stood and listened. When it got to be too much, she gently placed her arm around the blonde woman's waist and lead her to the futon to sit. She could see now that Amanda had really had enough abandonment all her life and she wasnt going to be the next one to be added to the list. "Amanda, sweetheart, I'm here for the longhaul. As long as you want me here, baby I am here. Though I dont know what the future infact holds for us, I know the main thing is I am here." Amanda looked at Liv. "Can I ask why when I first asked you did you seem to deny it and pretty much play dumb? I cant describe how much it hurt. I'm not angry bout it anymore cause we have rectified it. I am just curious is all."

Olivia looked at her and held her hands. "Amanda, I cant make excuses to why I did that. I will say I believe I was scared of my feelings, though I know you wouldnt reject me, I still had that fear myself. I regretted when I didnt confirm I said it and then when I went to work and we were giving the silent treatment, I couldnt get out of my head to say anything. I'll tell you this, coming home to my apartment finding you gone and any trace of you that was there killed me. Scared me honestly. It was like, what the fuck am I doing? Am I really risking losing the one thing I care the most about cause Im a chicken shit to admit my feelings? I sure didnt want that."

Amanda turned and kissed Liv, "I sure didnt want that either. I'm sorry if it feels like I overreacted. Kinda feel like I did. I am glad I opened up and told you. You are the only one who knows any of that. Everyone thinks Patton was my first sexual assault. Turns out he wasnt. I was known as the slut of the precinct between Patton and Reynolds. Sam didnt like it cause I said 'no' to him but he made damn sure to spread that I kept myself 'wide-eyed and wet for the big boss.' Liv where are we going from here? Are we gonna keep dating?" Liv kissed her before answering "We can do whatever as long as we are doing 'whatever' together."

 **So what do u think is going to happen between them? Seems Manda might be more commitment minded. As always im working on next chapter. might zip ahead a few months...**


	11. Chapter 11: Almost Paradise

_**It's now six months down the road. Amanda was fully recovered from her assault, still healing emotionally but physically she was healed. Amanda and Olivia were out to their colleagues and they were wished nothing but the best. It made them happy to be accepted. Let's see what Liv has in store for Amanda to make this anniversary extra special. Things have been progressing well between them.**_

Olivia had gone back to her apartment after work. She had to get the final preparations done for her surprise. Amanda was going to be treated like the queen she was, and by that she meant that she was the queen of her heart. To start off with she sent Amanda a text. **"My love, be ready round seven. Ill be there too pick you up. Dress up cause tonight is extra special. Love you. xoxo"** Amanda heard her phone going off on her run. She looked at it, seeing it was from her love made her smile. She text her back **"Okay my love, anything in particular. It's our six month anniversary my beautiful lady. love you too. xoxo"** Amanda was anticipating what Liv had in store for their night. She knew Liv would make her feel special. She stopped to buy Liv some roses since she knew they were her favorite. Then went home to shower.

Liv had to get the finalities of their night done. So far she had reservations at Gramercy Tavern, she knew they had the best wine, including her favorite sauvignon blanc, so she made sure she reserved at least two bottles. She might want to take a bottle home. After that, she had a carriage ride around Central Park set up. She really wanted to make tonight special for Amanda. It had been a long time since she had wanted to really woo someone, and tonight it was all about wooing the petite, gorgeous blonde woman she had fallen head over heels in love with. She still had like an hour and a half to get herself ready. She picked a light blue dress came down to her knees, she touched it off with black heels. Her hair fell crisply on her shoulders. She hoped she looked pretty enough for her lady.

Amanda was home taking her shower. Liv told her to dress up. What the hell did she have to dress up in? She grunted as she got out of the shower, wrapped herself up in a towel. Now she had to search for a dress. Thinking to herself _"Damn you Liv, you're soo lucky I love you cause I hate wearing a dress."_ She dug through her closet and found a simple short olive green dress. " _hope this is fancy enough, cause this is all I have that she hasnt seen me in."_ She put on her undergarments and slipped on the dress over her head. The only thing, with this dress she wasnt permitted to wear a bra. _"Fuck, leave it to me. Best hope it aint cold or get breezy. Ill be screwed if it does."_ She was awkward enough as it was, she didnt need the headlights to be on highbeams. Now to find some shoes to go with and do her hair. She found some dark brown sandals to wear they were comfy and they matched well with the color of her dress. She wore her long blonde locks down on her shoulders with curls. She hoped she looked pretty enough for her lady. She couldnt believe they had made it six months and counting. This was the happiest she had been in a long time.

Olivia showed up right on time. But then again Liv was never late. When the blonde opened the door both their mouths dropped. Neither had seen the other all dressed up. They were both in for a surprise. "Olivia holy hell, look at you. Damn and you're here to take me out? I'm a very lucky lady." Amanda reached up and kissed Liv. Liv reached her hands around Amanda's back, her hands feeling the smooth skin of her back, noticing that the blonde was braless she gave a very sly grin. "Mmm makes me think this whole night is going to be a night to remember." "And I'm the lucky one here, I have a beautiful lady on my arm tonight and everynight."

Amanda gave Liv the roses she bought for her earlier. Before they left Liv had Amanda pack a bag, there was no way she was letting her love go home tonight. She wanted the whole night with her lovely blonde beauty. Amanda bein a smart ass taunted Liv "Hmm the whole night with you, uh huh you got plans to get me in bed? That wouldnt be such a bad thing." Liv smacked her ass lightly, "It's your fault I'm having the thoughts of spending the night with my sexy ass girlfriends legs tangled with mine." Amanda moaned, "spending the night with your legs tangled with mine, now that sounds like a fun time." Liv shook her head. She would never have lack of sex with this girlfriend. She couldnt seem to get enough and Liv had no problem with that. When they made love, they appreciated each others bodies, treating them like temples. Each time they made love something new was discovered a new spot, a lingering touch, you name it.

Liv escorted her love to the car, opening the door for her. Amanda continued to hold her hand on the ride to where Liv was taking them. The song playing on the radio "almost paradise" that song sure seemed to fit them. Amanda sat listening to the lyrics and even started to sing softly along. Her southern twang kicking in more and more as she got into the song. Liv smiled. She hadnt really heard Amanda sing before. She really had a beautiful voice. "My love you have a beautiful voice. How come you dont sing more often?" Amanda sheepishly smiled and blushed lightly at the compliment. "Maybe I'll sing more for you."

A lil while later they arrived for at Gramercy Tavern. She held Amanda's hand lacing their fingers together. They walked up to the maitre'd Liv spoke "Reservations for Benson party of two." Amanda's eyes lit up, this was the first time she had ever been here. When they were seated Liv asked for the wine she had picked out sauvignon blanc. He brought it right over. They both ordered their meals and just enjoyed good food, good wine and of course the best company. Was such a nice dinner. The violinist played a soft song and it was just a romantic dinner for two, even though there were plenty of other patrons in the restaurant it was like they were the only two. Well they were the only two that mattered, to them anyway. When they finished their meal and got up to leave Liv pulled her close. " I have one more surprise up my sleeve. I really hope you like this." Amanda nuzzled Liv's neck "I know I'll like it, I love whatever you do Liv." Liv walked them over to the entrance of Central Park. The horse drawn carriage awaited them. The driver got down and helped each lady up. Liv told him to take them around the sites of the park and along the waters edge. The driver told her of course and started on their course. What a beautiful night. Clear night, not many clouds in the sky, moon shining brightly. Just a nice ride. All the sudden Liv grabbed Amanda's arm, pointed, and exclaimed "Look Babe a shooting star, make a wish baby." Amanda smiled. "I will if you will." They both made a wish, unbeknownst to each other it was the same wish. That they could have this love forever. Though it was only six months, to them they felt like each others soulmates. The ride lasted bout a lil over an hour. The gentleman let them back off where he picked them up, helping each of them down, wishing them a beautiful night.

Liv drove them to her apartment. She didnt want this night to end. But she wanted to end with the love of her life in her arms for the night, cuddled close. Amanda kissed her love with a passion and love that was just growing and growing. "Olivia Benson I love you so much and each day I continue to find new things to love about you, making my love grow even more. You are the love of my life, I knew it a while ago and I'm still just as sure now as I was then."

They headed into the bedroom, disclothing each other, touching each other with loving caresses. It was like they were exploring each other for the first time. The kissing, the touching, oh this would never grow old with either of them. Their souls connected that night. It was the most intense and powerful lovemaking they had had to date. Leaving their bodies humming for more. Finally something neither of them had experienced, becoming one with their partner. Both muttering "I love you" at the end of their release. Amanda collapsing on Liv's barebreast and Liv holding her tight. All the while in Amanda's head was the song "Almost Paradise." This truly was her paradise.

 **So where you think this is going? Is one of them ready to pop the question? Is one of them going to suggest moving in? As always comments and thoughts are greatly appreciated.**


	12. Chapter 12:Pursuing A Deeper Committment

**So now we are six months in and the anniversary dinner went well.**

Olivia was so happy that their anniversary dinner had gone off without a hitch. She did infact love this woman. This woman who she looked over at that had hogged up the bed, had her head under the pillow and had somehow some way tangled herself inbetween the sheets. How the hell the woman could be comfortable was beyond her. She shook her head and got up. She figured she'd let the pretty blonde sleep. She put on a pair of sweats and a tshirt. Leaving Amanda in the room to sleep. What she didnt know was that soon enough she was going to be running back to the room hearing Amanda scream.

Back in that house. She had to get out. She had to escape him. She had to. This couldnt be her life. The man that was labeled her father had come into her room again that night. He wanted his needs to be taken care of. Since her mother was passed out drunk yet again he came to his daughter. His daughter whom he held no shame of doing the things he was doing to her. He saw nothing wrong with what he was doing. He was getting his needs met by the next best thing. He saw her laying in her bed, he came over and started caressing her belly. She pushed his hand away. He held his hand there, while the other started to reach up under her night shirt. "No daddy, please no." He totally disregarded her pleas and started putting his hand down her undies. Tears now starting to fall "daddy no, dont do this. Please dont do this." He just chuckled. He had his fingers near her being and now Amanda's screams got louder. Liv heard her and ran to the room.

Amanda's blood curdling scream for help made Liv run. "Help me get away from him. Stop him from touching me." When Liv got to the room, Manda was fighting in her sleep. Screaming, tears coming down her eyes. Liv went over to the bed where her girlfriend was thrashing around helplessly in this nightmare. She gently touched her shoulder, "Manda, wake up my sweet. Sweetheart I'm right here. Come on babygirl, wake up for me." Next thing she knew Amanda sat up, fully awake, collapsing on Liv. "I didnt want that. I didnt want it. He hurt me. I kept saying I didnt want it Liv. He hurt me bad. Real bad." Liv held onto her love, soothing her, placing gentle kisses in her hair. "Baby he's not here sweetie. You're safe. You're safe." She wrapped her arms around Amanda. Not caring that she was still naked and wrapped just in a sheet. She just wanted to comfort her love, wanted to help her. "Liv he did so much. So much." Amanda just poured her heart out, crying and holding onto Liv. When Liv tried to adjust so she could have a better hold on Manda. Manda protested "No dont let me go, please dont let me go." She held on tighter. Liv kissed her cheek, "Baby Im not letting you go. Im just adjusting to hold you better and get comfortable. "But dont we have to go to work?" Liv held her tight. "Sweetie you come first this is us, you are my girlfriend, my love, you come first. You being safe is my first priority."

Liv stayed holding her girlfriend for a while longer, making sure she was calmed down. Amanda had calmed down enough to get dressed. She put on a pair of blue hip hugger jeans, a pink plaid dress shirt. She wore her black heeled boots as well. "How do I look babe?" Liv got up and kissed her, "You look great babe, like always." Amanda blushed, "It helps when I have someone beautiful to impress."

They headed out to the precinct. Amanda was still edgy on going to work, especially dating the boss. She didnt want them to think that she was getting preferential treatment. She knew they wouldnt but at the same time you never know. Fin was happy that she had finally gotten what she wanted and was happy and content. It was a simple day. Manda having to deal with TARU. Oh they worked her nerves today. They couldnt get shit right Amanda got frustrated. She went into Liv's office you could see the frustration written on her face. Olivia looked up from the computer when Liv "What can I do for you Amanda?" Amanda closed the door, she had a sarcastic grin, "Well what I would like to do, I cannot get away with behind closed doors and blinds. Ravishing you takes a while." Liv blushed, "Leave it to you Amanda. Now I'll have thoughts of you taking me on the desk to carry me through the rest of the day and the clock is gonna drag ass." Amanda smirked "And I will leave you with those thoughts." Liv got up to see Amanda out, as they walked to the door Liv smacked her ass. She growled "You will be mine when we get home, trust that. If we make it home. We could be in the car and I'll make you follow through on your 'ravish' comment." Amanda smiled knowing she was indeed getting to Liv. "Hey Liv, one more thing to get you riled." Liv cocked her head at Amanda. Amanda grinned "I could always throw my panties out the window again." Liv swatted her ass. "Amanda behave."

Amanda went out to her desk, proud of herself for the thoughts she had put into Liv's head. Not only had she gotten Liv turned on but she had turned herself on too. Damn now to get through the rest of the day and concentrate on TARU when she really wanted to concentrate on Liv and get her to scream out her name in ecstasy.

Olivia had alot on her mind. Now Amanda's fun promising thought wasnt helping. She wanted to get out of the office and go home with her girlfriend. Now the thoughts of wanting to live with Amanda. Yup the love bug really had gotten her. Though they were practically living together anyway, the blonde rarely going to her apartment now, except when she needed clothes or something. They made sure no matter how hard the day was, they were together at night to cuddle, talk, and even make love which they did that often. She loved Amanda with everything in her. Thing that was bugging Liv was where Amanda was so independent would she really want to give up her space and move in with her?

 **So Amanda tosses the naughty thoughts to Liv. Way to keep her on her toes. So now questions in Liv's mind to make the committment more permanent. Do you think Liv is gonna ask Amanda to move in? Do you think it might go into more than that? Let me know what you're thinking :)**


	13. Chapter 13: Unintentional Hurt

Olivia sat in her office. Damn Amanda for putting those thoughts in her head. Now she was sitting there hot and bothered and couldnt do a damn thing about it, cause if she called Amanda back in of course everyone would know what they were up to. Would Amanda always keep her on her toes?

Amanda out at her desk, in a way happy that she teased Liv, but in a way hoping that she didnt aggravate her girlfriend either. Her mind was thinking, not just of pleasing her girlfriend and the mind blowing sex she wanted to have, but what was instore for their future. They were committed to one another yes, but they lived in different apartments, and had a place to go if and when they got pissed off. She kinda wanted something more, if it made sense. She wasnt sure if it was more maybe getting their own place together. Not just moving into either apartment, really finding a new place that they get together and start building from there. She sure as fuck wasnt the easiest to live with thats for sure. She was quite messy and disorganized. Fucking hell why was she putting all this in her mind now. There was no need to do this to herself. She loved Liv and Liv loved her and thats all she needed.

Amanda made herself nervous with her thoughts. She tried to concentrate on more information for TARU. Just wasnt happening. Fin caught her pretty much staring into space. TARU had called her back. She was so into her thoughts that Fin snapped at her to get her attention, that didnt work. He put TARU on hold and waved the phone at Amanda. "Hey Rollins, you gonna take this call?" Amanda shook her head and refocused, looking at Fin. "Oh yeah, sorry Fin." She took the phone. Fin just smirked at her. He knew she was thinking bout Liv and what not, he'd tease her later. The phone call ended abruptly with Amanda yelling "I've done my damn job, Do your _FUCKING_ job." After she had said that she slammed the phone down. Fin looked at her "Everything okay Boo?" Amanda nodded, "I just need some air. If they call again tell them I dont want to hear back until they get me the information that I need." Fin nodded.

Amanda went outside. She needed a damn cigarette. She was stressed the hell out and she didnt know how to deal with it. As she was lighting up she heard the door open up and she saw her love. Olivia walked over to her. She could see that Amanda was stressed out big time, esp where she hadnt seen Amanda smoke a cigarette in a really long time. Liv touched her hand "Hey Manda, you okay? Fin told me you got really aggravated earlier. I wanted to come and check on you. Honey smoking that isnt gonna help." Amanda felt like she was being babysat rather than Liv's girlfriend. "Look Olivia you didnt come out to check on me, you came out to nitpick. You can leave now." Amanda scowled and took another drag of her cigarette. "Look just let me be. I dont need to be babysat." Olivia let go of her hand. "Okay Amanda. I'll see you inside. If you decide to come in while I'm still here." Olivia walked back inside.

Amanda went back to her desk after a few minutes. She had only taken one drag of the cigarette and Liv was on her ass. Like what the fuck? She didnt gamble any more, and she couldnt fuck her girlfriend in the office, when she was stressed out she needed a release and that was the release she chose. Next thing she knew Tucker stopped by, what the hell was he doing here? He and Liv used to be an item not long before she and Liv got together. She didnt wanna look in that office. She glanced as she was typing the final notes on her report and comparing what TARU finally sent her. She saw Liv hugging Tucker. "Why the fuck was she hugging the asshole?" This is not what she needed to see today. She was in some mood today. Why was she all over the place? First she wanted to make love to her girlfriend in her office and was in a playful, sexual mood. Then went to frustrated, then it's frustrated, confused and hurt. She looked up again and saw Tucker kissing Liv. Now she was pissed the fuck off. All the while she's thinking ' _what the fuck Liv? my smoking pissed you off that bad you have to kiss Tucker?'_ What Amanda wasnt seeing was Liv pushing him away and slapping him. She got up from her desk. Fin looked at her, "Manda". She rolled her eyes up, "Fin leave me be, I need to get out of here." She took off quickly, Fin was wondering what the fuck was going on. He saw Liv walking out with Tucker. The expression on Liv's face was surely not happy. You could see her scanning the room to see where Amanda was. "Tucker don't come back here to harass me. It's done, we are done." Tucker looked at her scowled and left. Liv looked around for Amanda but didnt see her. She was confused, it was past lunchtime and usually her and Manda joined each other for lunch. She looked over to Fin, "Hey Fin, you know where Amanda went?" He looked, dammitt he hated being in the middle. He decided to play it safe and keep his partners back. "I didnt see where she went Liv. Maybe she went to TARU personally to get what she needed."

Liv went back to her office, wondering what the hell was up with her girlfriend. She couldnt work anymore cause her mind was on Amanda. She walked out to say good night to her staff and tell them to go on home. She text Amanda to see where she was **"Hey love, just got off work. Where are you?"** Hoping Amanda would at least answer her text, she wasnt sure if she would. Amanda was in a wierd mood and she couldnt figure it out. Amanda had gone back to apartment. She was all over the place today and she didnt even want to be around herself. But come on Liv kissing Tucker what the fuck? She couldnt get over that. That hurt. Why would she do that? After everything they had been through. Oh she saw Liv's text and she didnt want to respond, Liv wouldnt come looking for her anyway. She'd be too busy sucking face with Tucker. Amanda got herself all fired up. She sent Liv a response. **"Oh you text me now, after sucking face with Tucker? What the fuck Liv? I'm not good enough. Six fucking months, six months..."**

"Oh shit" Liv thought as she got Amanda's text. She had seen the kiss. "Oh what the fuck." She text Manda back. **"Babe, it is not what that looked like. You need to let me explain. Where are you?"** Amanda thought to herself "not what it looked like my ass. I'm not stupid." She text Liv back. **"I wanna be alone tonight. Explain what? I saw you hugging him and kissing him. I cant do this Olivia. I cant do this shit tonight. Have had too much on my mind as it is."** Amanda was hurt. She felt betrayed. This betrayal she felt was the worst. Liv knew all her secrets, her past and she turned around and did this. Yup this always happened to her. Always. It goes good for a while and then it takes the shitter. Well Liv looked at her phone. 'I cant just sit here. I have to make things right.' Sixth sense told her that Amanda went to her apartment. She headed over to the apartment. She wasnt going to lose Amanda over a misunderstanding. Oh how she could kill Tucker right now. Son of a bitch, things were going so well. What the hell happened? Was it cause she was thinking of wanting to move in with Amanda and make things permanent?

Amanda was sitting at her apartment with a bottle of beer and the Falcons game on. She really wasnt paying attention to the game, it was just noise. She was lost in her own thoughts. _"Why did Liv do this? She loved her right? She said she did. Did she say that just to get what she wanted? Did she say it to get Amanda where she wanted so she could tear her down? Why, why was this happening?"_ She sat there with the vivid memories of her and Liv being intimate, the memories of after her assault when Amanda finally opened up. She had the tears running down her cheeks. Fucking tears betraying her. _She continued to think. Goddamn game wasnt doing its job and distracting her. How could the love of her life do this to her? Hadnt she been a good girlfriend? She had been loyal._ She ended up dozing off holding her phone, looking at a pic of her and Liv.

Olivia was on her way over to Amanda's apartment. She knew by the way Amanda texted her that she wasnt welcome, but she was going anyway. Liv loved her. She didnt want to lose her. She couldnt lose her. She knew Amanda had major trust issues. _Goddammitt why did Tucker kiss her? They were done, she didnt want that again. She felt different with Amanda, almost like she was revived, fresh even. Why the hell did Amanda have to see that? Why the hell had she started in on Amanda when she saw her smoking? For fucks sake all she wanted to do was cuddle up to her girlfriend when she got home from work. Now she was chasing that very girlfriend down in her own apartment to talk to her. She also wanted to talk to her about possibly giving up their own apartments and finding a place together. She got to Amanda's apartment and braced herself cause she didnt know if Amanda was going to lash out, throw her ass out or let her in and just be silent._

Here goes nothing. She dug out the key that Manda gave her. She was kinda leary but she wanted to know what was up with Amanda. She opened up the door. She saw that the tv was going, and a small form curled up on the futon. She locked the door. Amanda jumped up at hearing the sound of the click. "What.. Who's there?" Her hair was all tousled and you could tell she was in a deep sleep. Olivia looked at her "Babe, it's me. I used my key." Amanda rolled her eyes. "Of course you did. Didnt you get I didnt want you here? I wanted to be alone. Besides you were kissing Tucker." Amanda scowled and hissed, "You Olivia Benson were kissing Tucker. Of all people. All people Liv. Your ex. The ex before me." Olivia knew Amanda was upset. "Amanda, all I wanna do is talk. I want to tell you what happened. That whole shit with that asshole. I want to tell you from me what the hell happened. I know what you saw, what you think you saw. Please Amanda." Amanda sighed, "Have at it Liv. Let's hear what you have to say." Olivia sat down on the chair. She wanted to sit with Amanda, wanted to hold her and talk to her. Wanted to hold her and reassure her.

Amanda saw Liv sitting there fiddling with her hands. "Look Liv, can you just spill it. I'm not in the mood and I wanna go back to sleep." Liv took a deep breath. "Ok Amanda what you saw wasnt what all happened." Amanda snarled, "So just fucking tell me." Liv got up and moved closer to Manda. "Manda, he kissed me. I hugged him yes cause he said he was going through something, and to show some sympathy and understanding I hugged him. We parted on decent terms. But I in no way kissed him. That shit took me by surprise. What you didnt see was the fact that I slapped the shit out of him. I left my office and came looking for you. Fin said he didnt know where you went when I asked him. But babe, I came looking for you. You're my girlfriend, I didnt want Tucker kissing me. He's not who's lips I want to feel on mine. Yours are the only ones I want to feel babe. You Amanda Marie Rollins." Amanda closed her eyes, a tear betraying her and slipping down her cheek. Liv moved a bit closer to her. She gently wiped that tear away. "Amanda, look I love you, I dont wanna lose you. Idid not willingly kiss Tucker. I dont have feelings for the man. I have feelings for one person, that person happens to be the one sitting next to me right now." Olivia took hold of Amanda's hand, Amanda was reluctant at first but she let her. She was angry with the brunette, but her love for her at the same time let her give in a bit. Liv spoke again. "I am so sorry for how that looked Amanda. To you that must have looked like the ultimate betrayal, but it so wasnt. I would never conscientiously hurt you. Never in a million years. Sweetheart I love you." Amanda looked at Liv. "I know you do Liv. It just hurt. Hurt alot especially after you got so pissed at me for smoking a cigarette. It was a stress release, I've had alot on my mind." Liv brought Amanda's hand that she was holding up to her lips and gently kissed it. "Tell me baby. Tell me what's on your mind."

Amanda looked at Liv, "there's just been alot. With the things I've told you about my past. My wondering if I'm good enough for you. Before you say it, I know you say I am Liv, it's just a matter of me feeling it. I've never had a positive loving relationship." Liv moved closer pulling the small blonde in her arms, expecting a fight cause she knew Amanda was pissed, but Amanda didnt fight her, nor did she stiffen up either. "Babe and we can and will work on that. I've got all the time and patience needed." Amanda looked at her. "I appreciate that Liv. Ok point blank where are we going in this relationship? We have been together for six months. Are we just gonna keep dating or are we going to cement our relationship?" Liv looked confused. "What do you mean Amanda? We are dating exclusively." Amanda took a deep breath, she wanted to know what the future was going to hold. "My question really is, when are we going to get rid of the apartments, say fuck it and get a place. I say get rid of the apartments so we dont have anywhere run when we fight and we have to face our problems head on. Thats what has been on my mind."

 **So Amanda wants to get a place all their own. What do you think will happen? And what bout that shit with Tucker, will Amanda forgive it, or will it continue to bother her?**


	14. Chapter 14: To Move In Or Not To Move In

Olivia looked at the blonde. She was kinda surprised that she was thinking this. In a way it did make sense. They spent all their time at Liv's and only going to Amanda's when she needed clothes or something. Or in times like this when they had a fight. Liv could understand them needing to face their problems head on rather than just flee.

Amanda looked at Olivia "So what do you think? You say we are in a committed relationship, well let's just bite the bullet and do it. I know I dont want anyone else. I just want you, I just want us and what we are building." All Amanda wanted was them, together. That's what meant the world to her. Olivia knew she wanted Amanda. She knew she wanted the same things that Amanda wanted, it just shocked her to actually hear it.

Olivia told Amanda she could see a future with her. She even went on to say that even down the road she could see them having a family. Amanda was in shock that someone loved her that much to want the family aspect down the road. Tears started to pour down Manda's face. She didnt deserve what she wanted. She wasnt worthy of it.

Thoughts in her head _"How dare she want this? How could she think she was worthy of all this?_ " She was insecure. Yeah she wanted those things. She wanted them badly. She just didnt feel she deserved them. Having been through all she had it was hard to think she did. Even if she was told time and again by Liv that she did. She spoke softly "Liv all I want is us. I would like to officially live together but if thats not in the cards then its fine. I get it..." Amanda couldnt even go on. She just looked at Liv again. "It's late and I'm tired. You can crash in the bedroom. Since I'm comfy here I'll stay out here." Oh how Amanda wanted to cuddle with Liv, but she was still mad and hurt. She knew Liv still was angry too. Though she didnt think Liv had a right to be angry with her if she was. Amanda got up to grab her pillow and blanket. Olivia took this chance to grab her love. This was one of those times she needed proof that she was worth it.

Amanda tried to shoo Liv's hand. Liv just held on. Amanda's voice broke when she talked. "Look Olivia, I'm not in the mood. I just want to go to sleep. Been through enough today." Olivia stood up, gently pulled Amanda to her. "Amanda let me lay with you. I just want to hold you. Please dont push me away. We can move past this. We can move on to bigger things." Amanda nodded. She spoke softly. "I'd like that. Just let me go get changed." Liv nodded, Amanda got changed in her room and Liv changed in the bathroom. Liv was done first. She met Amanda back out on the couch. When Amanda finally emerged she seemed more at ease. Wearing a pair of cute lil cotton shorts and a tank top. Goddamn her legs were amazing. Liv had worn a pair of sweats and tshirt. Liv had taken it upon herself to make them some chamomile tea to relax them. Liv broke the icey silence between them. "Hey sweetheart, made us some chamomile tea to relax us. Amanda smiled. "Thank you babe."

They curled up on the couch together, nothing felt better to Olivia than having the woman she loved laying in her arms. Amanda felt the same. Having her loves arms wrapped around her felt so good. She felt safe. Liv lay there with Amanda in her arms, gently placing kisses in her hair. This was what made Liv happy. "Manda I can stay like this forever holding you close." Amanda snuggled more, starting to drift off she murmured " _dont make promises you dont intend to keep."_ Liv whispered in her ear "I'm in this for the long haul Amanda."

Liv laid awake for a while just thinking. She did want to move in with Amanda. She felt it would be a positive move for them. She was thinking a nice lil condo or even lil house. Something just big enough for them and maybe even a family down the road. Lil Rollins-Bensons running around made her smile. She soon fell asleep with the thoughts of 'happily ever after with Amanda.' Though Amanda at first didnt want Liv there, she was glad she came over. She didnt want to sleep without her love. She made up her mind before she crashed. She was going to ask Amanda to infact find a place together and where they could start a life together.


	15. Chapter 15: Home Hunting

Waking up the following morning in her loves arms was the best thing Amanda thought. They had solved their disagreement without sex which was a first, and just talked and held each other. Both of them being as strong willed as they were was bound to have some doozies of fights. They were getting better though. Communication wasnt their strong points when they felt hurt or scared, like most people but they were working.

Now they had decided they indeed wanted to take the next step and cement their relationship by getting their own place together. They wanted to look at places, houses, condos whatever and mutually pick one that they both like. What was important was that this was done together, both of them going together to see the places they were interested in. First thing, each needed to think what their ideal home would have, whether it be in a quiet area, be in a busy area, yard, no yard. How many rooms it would have, how many floors and so forth. This would be a nice thing for them to experience and to trust one another even more.

Olivia woke up first. She looked over at the sleeping blonde on her side. Man it felt soo good waking up with her there. She didnt like when they fought, but they were both so damn headstrong. Her love looked so peaceful and relaxed. She decided to let her sleep and got up. She opened up Amanda's laptop and signed into her account. She wanted to browse available places and show Amanda when she woke up. She looked for like an hour. Manda must have been exhausted. Liv found a listing for a nice lil house out by the water. She knew Amanda liked the beach so she made arrangements to go visit it.

Amanda woke up a lil while later. Liv had made breakfast as well. First thing Amanda did when she woke up was pull Liv into a hug and good morning kiss. Liv smiled. "Well thats a nice way to say good morning. How are you this morning my love?" Amanda smiled, "Im good babe, a whole lot better since I slept in your arms." Amanda came out to the kitchen table where Liv had set up the breakfast. "Mm babe this smells yummy." Liv placed her plate down and told Manda to sit and enjoy. "Hey my babe, so I was looking online and I found a really cute place. Wanna check it out? Its on near Longbeach. I have a pic I can show you?" Amanda's eyes brightened with Liv mentioning she had found place she wanted them to look at. "You mean it Liv? You want to actually check out a place?" Liv smiled and put the coffee cup down she had been drinking from. "Of course Amanda, I want us and this is the first step of cementing our relationship. Of course you have to like places and we have to pick it together."

They finished eating. Took a quick shower together and got ready. Amanda was excited and happy. Meant alot to her that Liv wanted this just as she did. Took them about half hour to get to the place. The minute they saw it both of them were in love. The outside alone was gorgeous. Not too big of a yard in the front. The met the realitor to go check the inside and rest of the property. It was a two floor house. The downstair was a full basement with a washer and dryer hook up. The realitor took them upstairs. There was a kitchen, dining room, bathroom, living room, and two bedrooms. It was gorgeous. The master bedroom had sliding glass doors, as well as little deck with a jacuzzi. It was beautiful. Amanda loved the place. Olivia asked if this was the place that Amanda wanted. Amanda laced her fingers with Liv. She loved this place. The view was stunning. The realitor told them the asking price and Liv asked what she would take. Then the she left the two of them alone to discuss.

Liv took Amanda's hand and they looked over the deck railing to the skyline. "So babe whatcha thinkin? You like this place?" Amanda nodded "I do Liv. I like it a whole bunch." Liv smiled. "So then you'd be happy if I bought it then? Cause I love it. I think it's a beautiful place for us to start new memories. How bout you?" Amanda was still in shock that Liv had wanted to get a place and even found this one on her own. With tears of happiness in her eyes she answered, "Yes Liv. I love this place. Nothing would make me happier than us beginning a long future of happiness here." That was all Olivia needed. She kissed Amanda and went over to the realitor. She made a generous offer on the property. The realitor told her she would pass it along to the owners and would let her know asap. She shook both their hands and told them it was nice meeting them.

Liv treated them to lunch. It was nice, just a carefree morning and now lunch. Both of them excited and thinking of the future especially after putting an offer in on the place. Liv got called to come in and double check a few things. Since Amanda was able to return to work on desk duty she came in as well. Fin smiled when he saw his partner following Liv in. Amanda was giddy to tell him that they were moving in together. He was happy. It was bout damn time she found a good one and high time for Benson to settle down too. Amanda didnt mind the paper work, though she missed being out on the field it was something to do til she could go back to doing what she loved which was chasing perps. Took them about a couple hours to get all the paperwork done. By then it was night time. Fin decided to see if they all wanted to go out for drinks. Not to get plowed but to relax. Liv was game. Nothing wrong with them kicking back and relaxing.

They headed to Maloney's a bar they frequently went to. It was low key and they were able to chill out. Carisi was just being his usual goofy self, Fin was chatty which was somewhat new. Amanda was just people watching and holding her loves hand. Fin turned and made a toast to them. It was sweet since he was practically the big brother of both Amanda and Olivia. Carisi broke the ice asking them when they were gonna host dinner and invite everyone. Liv chuckled, "Soon Carisi, might be sooner than you think. Manda and I were checking out a house earlier. Was very nice and just enough room for us and a lil family if we decide to expand our family down the road. Dont worry we'll make sure to invite you over and let you cook an italian cuisine for us all."

As they were chatting, drinking and snacking Liv's phone started going off. She motioned to Amanda and the guys she was going to go outside to take the call. Amanda, Fin and Carisi continued to talk. When Liv got outside the caller happened to be the realitor. She told Liv that her offer had been accepted and that if it still stood they could meet soon and sign all the paperwork. Liv was estatic. "Of course we want still want the house and my offer stands. My girlfriend will be very happy as well. Would we be able to meet up with you tomorrow?" The realitor told her of course they could meet, sign paperwork and exchange the keys. She then told her to have a good night and if any questions arose to feel free to call her.

Liv went back into the bar. She slid into the booth next to her girlfriend. "Baby, they accepted the offer. We are officially home owners."


	16. Chapter 16: Committed Life

"Baby they accepted the offer...we are officially home owners." Holy shit was she for real? Oh Amanda was just like wow.

Amanda held Liv's hand tight. "Baby, I am so happy. This is just the beginning of our lives together forever. Olivia smiled and kissed her. Fin shook his head "Okay you two come on now. Get a room." Manda laughed and broke from Liv, she gave Fin a kiss on his cheek "that better Fin? Were you just jealous?" Fin swatted at her "Considering you're like my lil sis wouldnt that be a bit incestuous if I wanted in?" Olivia spit her wine out. "Oh my god Fin. Leave it to you. You are something else." Carisi just sat and watched. This was funny.

So now that the secret was out they were relieved. Fin kept up teasing even getting Carisi to help out. Was all fun and games til Amanda told them to watch themselves cause when the time came to make them uncles they would leave the baby with them. Fin was like oh hell no. Carisi didnt mind the thought since he adored kids. Carisi and Fin kept asking about the new digs. Liv showed pics happily. Both the guys told them that they would help them move and get situated. Manda and Liv appreciated it. After a couple more drinks they all headed home.

Liv drove Amanda to her apartment. She wanted to stay again but wasnt sure if Manda wanted her to. Yeah they had just gotten a house but this was still Amanda's place. She hoped Amanda would let her stay. They could cuddle and watch a movie, maybe even bounce ideas back and forth on how to decorate and furnish their new house. She really didnt care what they did as long as they were together and they were spending some sort of time together. That's what she wanted. She also had the thoughts of what Carisi and Fin were talking bout, the idea of kids. She never in a million years would have thought she would be where she is now.

They pulled up to Amanda's apartment. Amanda seemed very relaxed. She parked the car, took Manda's hand. "Babe, do you want me to come up with you or would you prefer I go home for the evening and meet up tomorrow when we go bout the house? This is up to you. It's your apartment." Amanda looked at her. "I'd like it if you came up and stayed. I feel more relaxed with you by my side. I love you Liv, this is the start to a whole new beginning, a whole new level of committment for us." Liv got out the car and walked over to the other side and helped her girlfriend out of the car. They walked up to Amanda's apartment. As soon as they got up there Amanda went into her room and changed. She put on her lounge pants and a tank top. When she walked out she grabbed herself a bottle of coors light. Liv had changed by the time Amanda did so she was out on the futon with a bottle of water. "So my love, are you looking forward to this? To us shopping for our new place?" Amanda nodded, "yeah I am babe. It'll be a great experience for us."

They sat for a few hours looking a furniture ideas, they liked the colors the previous owners had chosen. They were simple and just enough for them. Out of nowhere Amanda started to shake and get freaked out. Liv didnt realize Amanda had dozed off. Amanda was caught in the dream and now it wasnt only her father and mother beating her it was twisted in with her mothers fuck boy raping her and her father.

She's fighting to get away. The men sneer and paw at her. Her mother laughing. This time showing an older Kim by using Amanda how to treat a man and satisfy his sexual hunger. Amanda trying to get away. All of them laughing. Her mother saying repeatedly "who would want a woman that had whored herself out to her father and her parents friends. Its disgusting." All Amanda could do was cry. Kim asking when she was with a man if they'd be that rough and her mother saying only if she did what Amanda was doing and fought. If she didnt then the guys wouldnt be so rough and hurt her. She asked "well how come you make Amanda do it when she doesnt want to?" Her father told her to shut up. Then he smacked Amanda for crying. "So help me girl, you use your teeth and I will knock em out." Amanda went still. Tears streaming from her eyes. The man that was supposed to be her father and her mothers fuckboy tag teaming her. She gave up. She hated them all. After they finished they laughed, high fived and went for beers, leaving Amanda to clean herself up and Kim just staring at her, chanting "you should have just not fought."

"I didnt want it, I didnt want it." Amanda woke up in a cold sweat. Her cerulean blue eyes glistening with tears. She was clearly afraid. Liv put the magazine down she had been looking at and put her arms around Amanda. "Sweetheart, what happened?" Amanda leaned back. "You-you-you still-still-love-love-mmm-mmm-me?" Liv squeezed tighter, resting her chin on Manda's shoulder. "Of course my babe. I love you more than anything." She began to tell Liv her dream. How it felt so real. All Liv could do was just hold her and promise her that she was safe.

Amanda wanted a distraction, Liv told her she was still looking at ideas to furnish the house and Amanda was game to help. For the living room they settled on warm wood tones with a dark brown plush leather loveseat. They were still keeping the futon from Amanda's too. Since Livs apartment was furnished when she moved in she wasnt taking any except her bed and dresser. She bought those herself. They were going to keep Amanda's bed in the guest room for now. They decided to use Liv's bed in their room since it was bigger and much more comfortable. Now they were debating on the dining room funiture. Amanda also wanted a big screen tv, she liked her sports where she felt like she was there.

Two weeks later:

They were finally moving in. Fin and Carisi were helping them. It was surreal for each of them as they gathered up their belongings and prepared to move them to the new place. Their new life was starting. Leaving the old hurtful memories behind. Didnt take them too long to get set up. Carisi went out, tweaked and cleaned their jacuzzi. He could tell that his friends were going to need it. The furniture had been easy to pick up. They also grabbed a new stove, microwave and fridge. Amanda got what she wanted, a huge 60inch tv. Liv didnt mind cause it would be nice to have movie theatre size when they wanted to watch movies. Took them a few hours to get everything in the house. The guys helped set up most. It was nice. Amanda and Liv offered to take them for dinner and they turned down cause they wanted them to have a nice dinner to themselves and enjoy their night in the new house. Liv looked at Amanda "so my beautiful girlfriend, what would you like to do for dinner?" Amanda smiled, "why dont we order a pizza. We can sit in the jacuzzi later." Liv kissed her hotly. "Or we can play in the jacuzzi?"

Liv called and ordered the pizza. She sat back on the new love seat, Amanda curled up next to her. "Babe this is just wow. We have our own home together." Amanda was feelin naughty and wanted to christen in the new house. "Babe after we eat our pizza I say we go make this home our home." Liv looked at her, just by the look in her blue eyes Liv knew what Amanda meant by that.

"Whatever you want babe. Just know if that's the case 'no suits allowed'.

 **Looks like Amanda wants to have some sexy fun. Christening in the Jacuzzi... Stay tuned for next chapter**


	17. Chapter 17: Jacuzzi Romancing

**This chapter is rated M! This is just a sex chapter. If you dont like SMUT dont reat this chapter.**

Amanda smirked as Liv called the pizza house and ordered the pizza. When she hung up, Amanda had unbuttoned her shirt a bit. "Uh babe to answer your request on the jacuzzi, never planned on wearing one in the first place." Liv shook her head, "you are surely something Amanda." Liv leaned back on the loveseat, closing her eyes for a few. She was tired, at the same time she knew she needed to rest up cause she wanted to see what Amanda had in store for the jacuzzi.

Amanda didnt really have much of a plan for the jacuzzi. All she wanted to do was christen in their new house, starting with the jacuzzi. Liv saw Amanda dozed out on the futon, completely tired from a long day of moving. Liv took it upon herself to set up a romantic excursion for their first night. She went and found the candles that were packed. She did it without making her love stirr. She set up the candles all around the jacuzzi, she even had some lavendar scented bath bombs.

She came out and kissed her love awake, took a few tries. She got the glimpse of the beautiful blonde's cleavage, and she lightly touched her. Amanda finally stirred. "Hey gorgeous, what ya say we go have our romantic jacuzzi time?" Amanda held Liv's hand on her chest, since Liv was right near her heart. "My heart beats this wildly for you. You are the only love I have ever known." Liv smiled, "babe you're the only one I've loved this way. Never knew love could be so powerful til you came along." Liv smiled. "I love you so much Amanda." Liv got up and gently took Amanda's hand. "Come on mi amor. Lets go have our time in the jacuzzi." Amanda shrugged out of her shirt, she reached up and grabbed Liv's face. pulling it down to hers and kissing her hotly. "I'll meet you in the jacuzzi love." As Amanda walked away she stripped an article of clothing off and threw it. Liv just smiled as she watched her lover get completely naked, turn around wave her finger at her, and then walk out to the jacuzzi. She had no idea that Liv had set up all the fixins outside. When Amanda got out there she stalled and tears sprang to her eyes. Amanda turned around and saw Liv "Oh my god when did you do this Liv? It's beautiful." Olivia quickly shed her clothing and walked over and hugged Amanda. "Not as beautiful as you." Liv kissed Amanda hotly, running her hands, Amanda's body. "Come on sexy lady, lets get in, wouldnt want you catching a cold."

They got into the jacuzzi. Liv sitting down and pulling Amanda on her lap. She kissed Amanda, after they broke the kiss needing some air Liv moved placing kisses along her jawline and down her neck, nibbling as well. Amanda wrapped her arms around Liv's neck. Moans coming out as Liv was kissing and nibbling. Liv looked up before moving downward to Amanda's perky breasts. Amanda's eyes were the cloudy lusted over blue, oh how she looked fucking gorgeous right here. Liv placed kisses on Amanda's breasts causing her to arch backwards pushing her perky bosoms right into Liv's face. Liv took took a hardened nipple into her mouth gently sucked and nipped. Causing multiple moans from her girlfriend. Noticing she was was neglecting the other breast she quickly moved and took that one in her mouth.

Liv pulled Amanda closer to her. She could feel Amanda's core getting hot. She trailed her fingers slowly down Amanda's middle, just enough to send goosebumps. Amanda took Liv's mouth with a fiery passion. The closer Liv's hand got to her spot the more hungry the kiss got. "Wait Liv, let me catch up." Amanda now made Liv stand up, since the brunette was taller than her, it worked to Amanda's advantage, she kissed her way down Liv's neck. One hand holding Liv's hand at her core, not allowing entrance til she made her way to the same spot on Liv. When she got to Liv's glorious breasts oh she was excited to take these into her mouth on their first night in their new home. She suckled and nipped, gently as to not hurt, just enough to get Liv to moan and growl. "Amanda you tease." Amanda continued her fun teasing of Liv's body moving down to Liv's core, tickling it gently. Liv gave a grin and Amanda tickled it again. This time Liv gave a devilish smile, and touched, pulled away and touched again, driving Amanda absolutely crazy.

They each slipped fingers into each other, pumping and kissing all the way. The moans becoming louder and huskier. Both getting closer to the brinks when Amanda stopped. Liv cocked her head. "Baby you okay?" Amanda nodded, "Yes Love, I want to finish inside." Liv liked the idea, she wanted to be able to see her lover cum, she wanted to be able to taste her. They got out of the jacuzzi and made their way to their new bedroom. Amanda nipped Liv's ear and neck. Liv pushed her love on the bed, Manda protesting as she wanted them to cum together, Liv wanted her lover to cum and her to be able to drink her in. Liv kissed her pelvic bone, leaving a trail of kisses down to her being, kisses getting hotter and hotter. Amanda hissing " ohhh shittttt Liv" Liv smiled applying tongue and finger at once, forcing Amanda to arch off the bed. "Fuck yes, oh my god Liv." Liv's tongue and finger licking and flicking. She knew Manda was right there, she could feel the spasms getting quicker and her body tightening on her finger. Liv kissing her opening gently nipping. Thrusting more. Amanda's voice breathy and full of lust. "Im cummming." As she said that Liv felt the hot liquid hit her fingers and her lips. She licked and drank up her lovers juices, keeping her mouth there as the shocks went through her body. After a few minutes the shocks subsided and Amanda's body was languid. Now she wanted to reciprocate for Liv. Amanda kissed Liv passionately. "MMM my sexy, that was incredible. Now its my turn for my treat." Amanda kissed from Liv's breasts down, giving each breast and nipple ample attention, suckling, nipping and kissing. She dragged her tongue down from under Liv's breasts to her belly. Nipping lil spots in her belly to tease. Looking up every so often to see her lovers dark eyes roll back and her back arch even more. She made her way down to Liv's core, nipping, giving soft love bites. She could feel and smell the heat off her lover. She wrapped her arms around Liv's thighs and went right to work. She squeezed her thighs closer to her face. Since Liv was practically there it didnt take much. Manda let go of one of the thighs to push her finger in, she did a few quick thrusts before applying her mouth. "FUUUCCCCCKKKKK AAAAAMMAAANNDDAAA" Amanda knew there she had her love. She kept her licking, nipping and plunging tongue and finger at once. Liv's hands grabbing Amanda's hair pulling hard but not too hard. She could feel the orgasm hitting. Amanda smirked " Cum for me baby." Amanda darted that tongue of her once more with that finger and Liv came hard. Amanda could feel the tremors, lapping up the juices of her love she craweled her way atop of the busty brunette Olivia pulled her close, hugging her tightly, to where she could still feel Manda's wetness against hers. "I love you Amanda Marie Rollins." Amanda smiled "I love you Olivia Margaret Benson." Amanda pulled up the covers on them and cuddled with her lover, each of them exhausted from the ultimate sexual pleasure.


	18. Chapter 18: Netflix & Chill

**Short fluff chapter. Playful and relaxing.**

They cuddled and made out for a while. It felt so nice and relaxing. Lightly touching and caressing each other after a vigorous lovemaking session. Amanda suggested laying on their couch and watching a movie on their new 60inch tv.

"I'll watch anything with you love, as long as its not too gory." Amanda chuckled at Liv's comment. Amanda told Liv to pick out something that she wanted to watch, she was going to make popcorn. She chose "Final Destination". Amanda shook her head. "Okay Liv, dont say I didnt warn you." Liv looked at her, like 'what's so bad about this movie?' After Manda made a bowl of popcorn she brought it over. Liv this time got up and got some wine for herself. "Babe what would you like to drink?" Amanda told her a coors light. Liv loved the fact that she was a country girl at heart and didnt mind beer. It was just one of the many things that Liv loved about her. Such a simple woman, with simple tastes. Liv came back over and took her spot near her girlfriend,cuddling more. A part came on that made Liv jump bout a mile high. There went the popcorn. Amanda giggle. Liv looked at her "What's so funny, that scared the shit out of me." Amanda looked at her trying to her suppress her giggles. "I know it did. I'm sorry for laughing. It was just all the sudden you jumped." Liv looked at her, trying to keep a serious annoyed face but that wasnt happening. "So why is my girlfriend laughing if she knows that scared me." Amanda looked at her trying to stifle the laugh "Cause you, 'Big Bad, Nothing, Noone Scares Me Benson', and here you are jumping at a lil horror flick." Liv bit her lip, ohh her girlfriend was an instigative lil shit. Just as Amanda was getting into the movie again, her chuckling subsiding Liv grabbed a pillow and beaned Amanda. Amanda yelped. Scared the shit out of her. She wasnt expecting that.

After a few minutes of playing around, both of them out of breath. Amanda still full of giggles asks "are we done acting like kids? can we finish our movie now. 'Ms. I wanna watch 'Final Destination' But Im Scared." Liv raised a brow, "ooh Rollins you are cruisin for a bruisin". Amanda laughed, she was in an instigative mood so she went with it "Maybe, what are you gonna do about it Benson? How ya gonna shut me up?" She then proceeded to stick her tongue out at the brunette. Liv had landed herself a playful one. Liv laid on top of Amanda, acting like she was going to kiss her and be sweet, knowing her girlfriend was ticklish as all hell she pinned her and tickled the hell out of her. After a few minutes, Amanda was out of breath from laughing and finally cried "uncle" to get Liv to quit. Out of breath Amanda spoke, "you dont play fair. That was dirty." Liv held her love, "neither was scaring the shit out of me. That wasnt playing fair."

They finished that movie, as well as couple beers for Amanda and a couple glasses of wine for Liv. Amanda could still sense that even though Liv was playful she was still tense and freaked. Amanda kissed her forehead gently and squeezed her hand. "Babe, why dont we watch something light now and just cuddle?" Liv nodded "but first my sexy babe, lets go get into some pj's." Liv kissed Amanda. Amanda smiled. "Okay my love, lets go get comfortable. Are we gonna watch it out here on the bigscreen or in the bedroom?" Liv told her back out with the bigscreen. They went and changed. Manda into her shorts and a tank top. She knew how Liv liked her in her choice of pajamas. Liv put on a t-shirt and pair of lounge pants. When Amanda got back to the living room Liv grabbed her and pulled her down on the loveseat. "Much better." Amanda smiled and blushed a bit. "I love being in your arms Liv. Always a great feeling." Liv reached up and pulled the blanket down on them. "What a great way to close out the rest of our evening. A beautiful blonde in my arms, and watching movies." Amanda smiled and kissed Liv long and hard, after she finished she smiled again. "Okay my love. I decided to put on 'Madea Witness Protection'. It's funny as hell and we'll get a few good laughs out of it. Liv nodded, "Okay gorgeous." Amanda started the movie and laid her head on Liv's chest and snuggled.

 **As always feedback is welcome. Hope yall like this lil chapter full of fluff and play. Figured after last chapter they needed some relaxing intimate time.**


	19. Chapter 19: A Familiar Case

**_So this chapter was a lil interesting. Wasn't going to go this route, but my creative imagination decided yes you are. A familiar case comes in with ties to Amanda. Is she gonna be okay? Is she gonna be hurt again? Tell me what you think.._**

 _So it's a lil further down the road. Of course Amanda and Olivia have had their ups and downs with their progressing relationship. What they were going to go through next was going to either deepen their feelings more, or be scared away. It all happens with the case at hand. The guy who had hurt Amanda in the beginning finally shows back up. What is he going to do this time? Will Amanda be hurt again?_

They headed to work in the am like they always did. Stopping to get a coffee at their favorite coffee shop like they usually did and off to the precinct. When they got to the precinct it was insane. It almost seemed like it was a damn fullmoon the night before. Hell had broken loose. They had a rapist that was also tied in with the rapist that had attacked Amanda. Olivia kissed Amanda and went inside her office, she had to make some calls to IAB. She told the team to keep on TARU for info as well as checking CODAS, DMV records, and other cases that similarities. Carisi went to check a lead. Amanda was sitting at her desk. Fin could tell by her furrowed brow that she was nervous. He didnt point it out to her cause he knew she'd shut down and just act like all was fine.

As Amanda's working the remembering started up again. It was a flashback but also like it was happening in the present. _She was leaving for the day. They had to let him go cause they didnt have enough evidence to arrest him. He had been pissed off at the blonde for treating him like he was stupid and pathetic. All she had been doing was her job. Trying to get at him to get a confession. Just wasnt working and he had lawyered up. So seeing that it had bothered her immensely Liv had sent her home. Low and behold, he had been waiting for the blonde when she got outside. Pulling her into the alley. She was fighting, trying to scream and he had her mouth covered. "Shut the fuck up. Who's in control now bitch?" Then the slamming of her head against the wall. Her body hitting the wall with an 'oof'. Him yanking down her pants and shoving himself inside of her. "This will teach you, you fucking cunt. Not so tough now are you?" As he had sex with her against her will, her cries. Her body reacts as it is being pleasured even though she resisted and didnt want it. He finished, pulled his pants up and took off._ Amanda shook it off. Now she was even more nervous. What if he were to find her again? She didnt want to be alone, but she needed air. Oh god how she needed air. Fin noticed her, she didnt seem right. She seemed off. He tried to ask her if she was fine, she waved him off and headed to the rest room. Instead she went outside. She just needed the air. Her walkie was on as she could hear Fin talking to Liv that something seemed off with Amanda. She leaned her head back thinking _"God why cant they just accept I'm fine dammitt."_ Her eyes shut for a minute, just basking in the sun and the cool air.

"Well detective we meet again." Said a raspy voice. She turned and he was right in her face. "I told you I would see you again, and here I am. Funny thing you are all alone this time. Just like last time." Amanda shook, ' _Fuck he cant see my fear. Hes not getting me again. I need Liv. Where's Liv?'_ She reached for the walkie and he snatched it. Unknowingly when he grabbed it from her hands he had pushed the button and it was letting Fin and Liv hear him. "Oh no you dont, you good for nothing cunt. You almost had me before and I was let go. I aint goin down for this. I'll go down on you, but not down for that."

Liv heard all the commotion, came running out of her office. "Fin you hear all that, Rollins walkie. We have got to get to her? He cant hurt her again? Not again on my watch." Fin got right up. "They cant be too far, these shitty walkies dont have much of distance factor." He tapped her shoulder. "Let's go get this son of a bitch."

Amanda was shaking outside as he had her pinned up against that wall, touching her, trying to kiss her but she kept turning her head. She was fighting her tears, oh she didnt want them to come. Her fucking head hurt. All the sudden you could hear a loud bang like a door slammed. He grabbed her gun, yelling "WHOEVER THE HELL YOU ARE, STAY BACK. I WONT THINK TWICE TO PUT A BULLET IN THIS BITCH'S HEAD." Liv saw Amanda there, shaking, couldnt tell if she was bleeding or not. _'Oh this son of a bitch better not of hurt her. I'll kill him myself. Put a bullet in head. Shoulda done it when he attacked her before.'_ He kept looking around to see where Liv and Fin were. Him not being the smartest criminal had Amanda where there was a blindspot for him. He could be seen, but he couldnt see others. He tried to kiss her again she slapped him and told him to fuck off. He didnt like that so punched her as hard as he could in her stomach, instantly flooring her causing her to cry out. Liv couldnt take it anymore. He was hurting the woman that she loved. She moved, he heard the sound of her body shifting. "I WONT SAY IT AGAIN, BACK THE FUCK UP. ILL SHOOT THIS WEAK ASS BITCH." He had the gun pointed on her head. Amanda was crying. "Shut the hell up you whore. Your police buddies best let me go. Drop the case or its the end of the line for your useless ass." Amanda growled, "Never. You son of a bitch, you will go to jail for this." He took the gun and pistol whipped her across the face, causing her nose to bleed. "I TOLD YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP." Liv peeked her head around, "Let her go. We can work something out, but you need to let her go." He was pissed now he had told these dumb ass cops to leave and they didnt. "LEAVE US ALONE OR I'M GONNA SHOOT HER." Fin took this chance to pop around. "Put the gun down and let her go. I wont miss." He looked at Fin. "Shes not worth this, one more step and Ill pull the trigger." Fin wasnt taking any chances. He fired his gun, praying the bullet didnt hit Amanda.

The bullet hit him in the neck. Amanda screamed. She still was unable to move. Her head was hurting bad. Her legs were like jello. She was still scared. Tears fell from her eyes for many reasons, pain, embarrassment that he had caught her again, anger, the tears just fell hard. Olivia ran over to her love. Wrapping her arms gently but tightly around the scared and shaken blonde. "Baby, I got you. You're safe." Amanda winced at her pain, her voice choking up again and teeth chattering "H-e-e -wa-wa-was -gonna- gonna-ra-ra-rape-m-m-me- again." Liv kissed her cheek softly. "Woulda killed him before he had that chance. Thank god he grabbed your walkie. That's how we knew where you were." Even though it was warm outside Amanda was shivering, so Fin took off his jacket and draped it on her shoulders. Together they walked Amanda inside.

Liv gave Manda a cup of water. All she wanted was Liv to hold her. She didnt want anything else. Fin told Liv to get Amanda home. He'd take care of the body outside and whatever IAB wanted to throw at him. Right now his first priority just like Liv's was making sure Amanda was and felt safe. Liv thanked him and hugged him. He gently hugged his partner, though she remained quiet her hug told him thanks.

When they got home. Amanda wanted to change. Her head was pounding but not bleeding and she didnt have any blurred vision so she didnt want to go be seen. She knew if any of that happened to go be seen. She put on a t-shirt and lounge pants. She went and laid on the futon. Liv was cleaning up, getting some aspirin and some water for Amanda. When she came back over Amanda looked at her with tear filled eyes. "Please hold me, I'm scared. I almost lost you today. I need you to be close to me." Since Olivia felt the same way she sat right on the futon, giving Amanda the pills and water to take. After Amanda took them she hugged Liv and kissed her. Liv hugged her tight back and kissed her back. "I love you Amanda." Amanda looked in her eyes. "I love you too Olivia." Liv turned on the tv, something easy to relax too. She didnt care what they watched or even if they talked, all she wanted to do was hold the woman that she loved. After a lil while exhaustion took over Amanda and she fell asleep with her head on Olivia's chest. Olivia just pulled the blanket over them, turned the light out, and kissed the top of Amanda's head. "Good night my love. Sleep tight."


	20. Chapter 20: Dreams And Headaches

**So the dreams are hitting Amanda. Scaring her, making her head hurt. Suffering from headaches and back to the hospital she goes for her head.**

The dreams came back. She was in the dream fighting to get away. _He was touching her, hitting her with that gun. She was never gonna see Liv again. She was never gonna be in her love's arms. He kept hitting her. Ugh how her head hurt. He wanted to rape her again. He wanted to inflict that pain. He was pawing at her shirt._

Liv could feel Amanda getting restless, she tightened her hold on the pretty blonde nestled into her chest. Hoping she would get the reassurance of her being there. Calmed her down a little. Til it started back up again. Out of nowhere Amanda sat straight up, looking around to make sure he wasnt there. Liv gently rubbed her back causing her to jump a little. She spoke softly "babe are you okay? you're awful restless and now your up looking around and shaking profusely." Amanda moved out of Liv's touch. She was freaked out right now but didnt want to show Liv. "I'm fine Liv. I can handle it. Go back to sleep babe." Liv nodded, closed her eyes again and went to sleep. Amanda got up to get a drink of water. Trying to shake the dream.

After she settled back down she wanted to go cuddle with Liv but Liv was out cold and she didnt want to disturb her. Her head started to pound so she went to go take some aspirins. When she got to the bathroom when reaching into the medicine cabinet she all the sudden got a nasty dizzy spell. She dropped the bottle in the sink and braced herself against the wall. "LIV HELP ME." Liv stirred immediately and she soon noticed Amanda wasnt cuddling with her. She heard Amanda again yell "help me". She ran to the bathroom, she found Amanda sitting leaning her head against the wall. Amanda's voice was shaky as she was scared and nervous "Liv the dizziness just came on. I cant shake it. I havent puked but my fucking head feels like theirs woodpeckers trying to get out." Liv helped Amanda up, she couldnt see straight at all. Liv walked her out to the couch she needed to put her bra back on. She came over and put her hand on Manda's shoulder, Amanda was very upset. "Babe we gotta go to the ER. I wanna make sure there's not a severe brain injury." Amanda nodded "I know. I just hate the ER. Please stay with me. I dont want to be alone at any time." Liv told her of course she'd stay with her. She held her girlfriend as they walked out to the car. Amanda was crying cause her head was pounding for one and for two she didnt want to go.

They got to the ER quickly. Liv made Amanda sit down. She went and told the desk the information. Since Liv was a lieutenant they made the exception of talking to her and getting information. They took Amanda right back. She grabbed Liv's hand. "Dont leave me Liv." Liv squeezed her hand. "Im right here with you babe." They got settled in her room, Amanda had to don one of the lovely gowns. Liv tied the back for her. No sooner she did that than the nurse came in and took the vitals. She was good except for her pain. The dizziness wore off. The doctor came in and did a couple tests, sent her to get a catscan. Oh she hated the machine. She was claustrophobic as it was being stuck in a machine made it worse. After the catscan they brought her back to her room. She had Liv sit on the bed and hold her. "I fucking hate small spaces." Liv just held her. Her love was sitting here shaking. She rubbed her back trying to ease her. Worked a lil bit. Since the hospital had remembered Amanda had a fear of men when she had come in after being assaulted they made sure this time that everyone that worked with her was a female.

After about an hour, since the doc needed to go over the catscan results came back to the room. She knocked on the door and announced that she was coming in. She proceeded to tell Amanda that she had a nasty concussion and that it was going to a little while to heal. That she would have to be woken up at least once an hour for the first night home. She gave a script for a pain medication to start tomorrow. She looked at Amanda "It'll help those goddamn woodpeckers get out." Amanda blushed and apologized for her language. The nurse told her not to worry about it. She even gave Liv her pager number to beep her if Amanda seemed to be in any kind of pain that wouldnt let up. She also told Amanda that she was not to shower by herself.

They got to the car and Amanda apologized profusely. Liv told her not to worry about it. She was more concerned that Amanda was hurt. She called Fin and told him that he was in charge again as she had to tend to Amanda. He told her no problem at all. He also told her that all he wanted was Amanda back on her feet so he could see her pretty face back at the precinct. Liv made a quick stop to pick up the pain medication the doc prescribed. Whatever they had given to her in the shot had helped tremendously. She wasnt as dizzy and the headache was wearing off. When they got home Liv helped walk her love in. "Babe where would you like us to lay? It's completely up to you." Amanda picked their bed, it was more comfortable and more room. "You're still gonna cuddle with me right babe?" Liv kissed her cheek, "Of course my love. Lets get you back into your pajamas and in that bed." Amanda nodded. "I am tired Liv." Liv got her changed and into the bed. She laid down right next to her and set her alarm to wake them up. All she had to do was wake her up ask a couple questions and then let her go back to sleep. The first time she woke her up she asked "whats your name? where are you? what happened to her?" Amanda answered it all just fine and went back to sleep. Bout another hour and a half this time she woke her up again. This time Amanda was a bit bitchy, she didnt want to be woken up. Liv apologized for having to wake her up. Amanda knew it was for her own safety. She snuggled up to Liv. She placed her head on Liv's heart and went back to sleep. Liv had to wake her up one more time this time Amanda got up to pee. She wasnt dizzy anymore, the woodpeckers in her head had started to come back with a vengence. Good thing besides the dizziness going away, she still hadnt vomited which meant no more trips to the ER. She woke up for the day couple hours later. She let Liv sleep and went out to the living room. She put on a pot of coffee she herself didnt feel like eating, but she forced herself to so she could take the medication. The damn headache could fuck off in her opinion.

Liv had woken up a short time later. She came out and saw Amanda relaxed on the couch. She was happy to see that. She looked super cute in her pjs. Before Liv went to join Amanda she snapped a pic. When she sat down by Amanda, she smiled lightly kissing her cheek. "Hey babe. How are you feeling?" Amanda kissed her back. "Im feeling okay, except this fucking headache. I took my medication so now Im just relaxing. You dont mind my staying in my pajamas all day?" Liv shook her head "No babe."

They sat and enjoyed their day. Amanda was content. Liv was content knowing her love was safe and on the mend. Amanda had thoughts in her head once again. She wanted to progress in their relationship. She wanted to cement their dedication to each other. But then she was thinking too _"who the hell would want to marry me? who the hell would want to spend their life with me. I'm not worth all that."_ Amanda knew better than that, Liv adored her but at the same time did Liv adore her to wanting to spend a lifetime with her?

 _ **So its looking like Amanda is itching for a deeper commitment. Will Liv catch on? Will she want to marry Amanda?**_


	21. Chapter 21: Do You Want Forever?

_**Sorry it took so long to update this one. I just had to get an idea to play out in my head. Im hoping the ideas keep coming. Thanks for your patience and your reviews. Greatly appreciated.**_

Amanda didnt want to tell her. She felt stupid wanting so much more than what she had. She had a house with her love. _What more could she want? What more did she really need? Why did she need all this shit to prove to her? It was unreal._ Liv just kept ahold on her. Her lady needed support. Liv kept peppering Amanda's hair with kisses. Amanda just kept telling Liv she loved her. How she loved Liv with everything she was. She was hoping Liv would be the woman she married eventually. She wanted nothing more than to settle down and have the family she never had. She decided instead of telling Liv outright that she was marriage minded that she'd go around it.

"Liv my love, what do you see when you evision the future? Do you see us still together living here? I guess I'm asking where you may see us longterm? You dont have to answer if you dont want to." Liv laced her fingers with Amanda. Reveling the fact that she felt the ease and comfortability with Amanda, no pressure well none that she didnt want anyway. Liv gently kissed her lips before answering. "I'm not sure babe. I know I see a stunningly beautiful blonde in my future, which makes it bearable." Amanda smiled, softly speaking "I'm glad I make your future bearable Liv."

They went back to watching the romantic comedy that seemed to be on tv. Amanda snuggling more into Liv's arms. She kept spacing out to seeing her and Liv infront of their friends and family pledging their eternal love for one another. She wondered why all the sudden the marriage thoughts were hitting her. She didnt grow up seeing what a proper marriage looked never mind what people in a proper marriage acted like. With that though she wanted this. Maybe it was her insecurity kicking in and her wanting to feel stable she didnt know.

Here goes nothing. She would see how Liv truly felt with her next question. "Okay Liv, there was a reason I asked those questions in particular. We have been together bout seven months now. We live together in a beautiful house. I just wanted to know how you saw us in the future?" Liv was a bit confused but she was figuring out what Amanda was hinting at. She got a feeling Amanda needed a promise of forever so to speak. Though she had never thought of herself the marrying type, shit she never saw herself in a longterm relationship, buying a house and living with someone either. But she was thinking that Amanda had marriage on her mind. She was curious as to what was making her beautiful girlfriend marriage minded all the sudden. She held her loves hand "My love, sweetie you can tell me anything. That includes any kind of questions you may have." Amanda took a long breath, "Ok it's time for me to stop beating around the bush and just ask. So here it is. Liv is there any part of you that could ever see yourself marrying me? Maybe even being in a longterm engagement? Nevermind Liv. I'll shut up now." She turned her head afraid of the rejection she feared she was going to get. Liv gently touched Amanda's face to get her to look at her. "Babe come on, dont hide your pretty face and gorgeous eyes from me. It seems this has been weighing alot on your mind lately and we should talk about it." Amanda shrugged. "I'm just asking if you see yourself at all marrying me Liv. It's a yes or no answer. Really isnt as hard as you're making it out to be."

Just as Liv was going to answer Fin called. Needed both of them to go talk to a victim at the hospital. She had been beaten and possibly raped. The mother was requesting that people without a 'penis' interview her daughter. Liv told him they would be right there. Amanda got up and dressed, she knew she was never gonna get an answer tonight. She grabbed her badge and strapped her weapon to her hip. Liv looked at her, touching her shoulder "Hey babe, everything okay?" Amanda looked down. "Let's not get into this now. Just get to the hospital and let's talk to our vic." Liv drove in silence to the hospital. She knew Amanda was upset but she really didnt know if she herself was ready for that big step yet. They went and talked to the victim. She was a younger girl. Mid teens. They got all they needed before it was time to go and let the girl have a break. She looked at Amanda speaking softly and you could hear the heartbreak in her voice. _"Detective Rollins, you're gonna catch him right? You're not gonna let him get away with this right?"_ Amanda walked over to her, gently taking her hand. "Sweetheart we are going to do everything we can to catch him, so you can sleep at night." Amanda took a card out, handing it to the girl "here's my card, you can call me anytime if you need anything or think of anything else okay." The girl bleakly smiled again answering softly _"Thank you Detective Rollins."_ Amanda told her anytime and also told her to call her "Amanda".

They talked to her parents quickly filling them in on what information they were told. Trying to reassure the parents they told them they were going to do everthing in their power to apprehend him. The girls parents appreciated all they were doing and how they were with their daughter. As they were leaving Liv once again found herself on the receiving end of Amanda's cold shoulder. Liv tried to hold her hand and Amanda pulled away. Liv looked at her, she had a hurt look in her eyes as well as Amanda did. "Hey how bout we grab some food?" Amanda answered her quietly "I'm not really hungry Liv. I just wanna go home." Liv nodded and tried to hold her hand in the car and Amanda pulled away yet again. Liv turned the car on but put it in park. She needed to find out what was up with Amanda. "Ok babe you're not hungry. But why everytime I go to touch you, you shy away or pull away. What's going on with you Amanda?" Amanda replied with a bit of a curt tone "I'm just not in the mood right now. Kinda like how you keep evading my question."

Olivia did stop for some chinese take out. She was hungry. The rest of the ride home was in silence. She wanted to know what her girlfriends issue was. Lately it seemed Amanda was all over the place with her feelings. Marriage to Liv was just a piece of paper. She didnt need a piece of paper to say she loved Amanda. That shouldnt be what proves her love. It should be her actions. For christsake they just moved into a house not that long ago and that was together, showing that she did see a future with them. She wasnt going to let Amanda's silence get her down. Amanda had decided that she was going to either sleep on the couch or in the guest room. She loved Liv and wasnt gonna leave by any means but the evading of the question just really hurt.

When they got home, Amanda wasnt hungry so she just went outside to sit on their deck. She needed some space. She was starting to get a headache and she really didnt want to snap at Liv but she felt she was going to. Thankfully Liv stayed in the living room and ate her food. Liv gave it a lil bit and told Amanda she was going to meet Alex for a bit since she was back in town for a few days. Amanda nodded. She hugged and kissed Amanda telling her she loved her. Amanda told her she loved her as well. Liv's meeting with Alex was good. She asked for some advice with what was happening between her and Amanda. Alex had some good advice. "Olivia you say you love her, you say you cant see anyone other than her in your future. Then what is holding you back from wanting to marry her? If it's something that means this much to her and you dont want to lose her what's stopping you? It doesnt seem that off of a request. Liv maybe she really needs that stability of knowing that she isnt going to be just up and left. I take it Amanda has abandonment issues that run pretty deep." Liv nodded, what Alex was pointing out was blatantly obvious of how she felt and even more so she knew what Amanda was feeling without even talking to her. Liv looked at Alex "So do you think I should just bite back my own reservations and ask her to marry me? I do love her and I cannot picture myself with anyone else at all. I look at my future and I see her." Alex smiled. "Then Liv I think you know your answer."

Olivia thanked Alex for talking with her. She made her see a whole new light. She knew what she had to do. She knew what she wanted to do, she just needed the kick in the ass so to speak. Amanda was the best thing that happened to her and she was going to be damned if she was going to lose her. When she got home she saw her beautiful girlfriend napping on the couch. Tapping her lightly...

"Babe can we talk please?"

 **Do you think Liv is going to propose? Or do you think Liv is going to understand where Amanda is coming from?**


	22. Chapter 22: The Thought Of Marriage

**Redid this chapter as it wasnt ending properly. So this one is a lil bit longer, and ends a bit better. Hope you like it and Im currently working on the next chapter. Feedback is always welcome**

Amanda stirred pretty easily as she wasnt in a deep sleep. Seems sleep wasnt her thing when her and Liv were at odds. She sat up and let her eyes focus. "Hey Liv. Yeah sure we can talk." Amanda pulled her blanket around her. "What's on your mind Olivia?" Amanda fixing her tank top and patting the seat next to her so they could talk. Liv sat down taking a deep breath. "Amanda I know I've hurt you with this whole thing on marriage. That is the last thing I wanted to do." Amanda grabbed Liv's hand interrupting her again "I'm fine with it. You dont want to marry me I get it. Yeah it hurts, but I'll get over it. At least I have a committed relationship with you. I can be happy with that. I am happy with that." Olivia squeezed Amanda's hand. "Babe please let me finish. I need to say this." Amanda sat back sighing "Okay Liv. Say what you need to say. I just hope it's the right thing and it doesnt rip us further apart." Liv looked at her, she wasnt willing to risk losing her. If Amanda was marriage minded and wanted that committment, she'd do it. "Amanda I have thought about engagement and marriage and to be honest it's the first time I've ever thought about it. Shit for the longest time I was married to the job, you even saw that. Can I ask you something without you getting hurt or upset?" Amanda nodded. Liv took a deep breath, "Are you wanting the formality of committment because of your fear of abandonment? Now before you get mad and think I'm judging I'm not. I'm only asking to know how you feel. Yes we have professed our love for one another and we show it all the time so we know that's not a factor." Amanda cracked her knuckles, rolled her eyes up cause the tears were threatening. Liv had just nailed it right on the head. "You're right Liv. I cant get mad at you for being right. But you also knew I had abandonment issues." tears betraying her and starting to fall, making her voice break "You're the first one I've thought about a lifetime with myself. Growing up the way I did, I never saw it in my cards. That was until I started dating you. Then it just all felt right. It felt like everything was finally falling into place. We dated for a while which was amazing. Then we took another step and moved in together and thats been great as well especially waking up to you every morning. To me the next step is marriage and possible family. Yes it does represent security and stability for me, cant deny that. But for someone who never wanted or looked for anything but a one nighter here and there, to cant picture my life without you in it says alot. At least to me. It means to me I found my one and I'm blessed for that since lots of people never find that. They go their whole lives wishing and wanting for what I have. But there's something about you that shows me that security, stabilitly as well as love and affection and it just makes me want more." Liv hugged her, this woman meant alot to her. "So Amanda why dont we sit and discuss the possibility of engagement and marriage." Amanda nodded "I'd like that. I just dont want to push you away from me. I have a tendency to be clingy but thats only cause I trust and love you so much. How bout we quit this tense mood between us and curl up together to watch a movie. I promise to make it worth your while." Amanda said that last part with a sly wink and some huskiness in her tone. Liv kissed her. God she loved this woman, she meant everything to her.

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They curled up on the couch and started to watch a movie. Liv had laid on the couch first. She really wanted to cuddle with her love. She let Amanda choose if she wanted to be in the front of her cuddled or even laying on her, since it seemed that laying on Liv relaxed her loads more. Though Amanda was kinda hurt still, she laid in her usual spot with Liv. It was in Liv's embrace that she relaxed the most. Liv not really paying attention to the movie, thinking bout Amanda and her discussion with Alex. Maybe the right move was to cement their relationship by taking the next big step. To her it wasnt worth losing Amanda. Nothing was worth that. If Amanda really wanted to be engaged and married eventually then that's what she would get. She really was in disbelief herself that someone loved her that much to want all of that.

"Amanda I know you want this committment, thing is one thing I dont believe in is divorce. If we are to get married, then we stick it out, thick and thin, better or worse." Amanda nodded. She perched herself up on her elbows upon Liv's chest, she didnt bear weight down. "Liv if I didnt see this type of future with you I sure wouldnt make an ass out of myself and even suggest it. I myself dont see myself with anyone other than you. You mean the absolute world to me. But I also see you have doubts, especially when you started off with "I dont believe in divorce. It's fine." Liv arched her brow "I dont know what the hell to say Amanda. I'll admit, I've never been married and the thought of it scares the shit out of me." Amanda sat up, now straddling the brunette. "And you think I'm not scared Liv? You think this just came out of nowhere that I all the sudden wanted to be married to you? It sure as hell didnt. I've never once thought of myself as marriage-material. Fuck I never thought I was relationship material, but here I am. But again it's not that hard Liv, you're making it harder than it has to be. You either see me as wife material or you dont." Liv just looked at her. "Amanda it's a big step. Moving in was one thing, one can still leave if one chooses to walk away. Marriage it aint so easy to walk away."

Amanda got fed up. She was angry and hurt and now really didnt want to discuss it anymore. It seemed Liv was more focused on the negatives rather than the positives. "It is what it is Liv. I'm sorry I bothered you with my wanting this. I'll just keep my mouth shut. Let's just watch a movie and leave it at that." Liv knew by Amanda's tone that she was hurt. She didnt want to lose Amanda just like she told Alex, but this big of a committment scared the shit out of her. Sitting up to watch the movie. She would have much rathered be in her loves arms but those are the same arms that are hurting her right now. Liv got up to get a drink and snack. "Babe you want anything while I'm up?" Amanda shrugged, "Sure I'll take a beer." Liv got Amanda the beer she asked for. Sitting back down she handed the bottle to her girlfriend. "Here ya go babe." Amanda took the bottle, popping the top off, before taking a drink she looked at Liv. "Thanks for the beer." Liv just looked at her, slightly annoyed that Amanda wasnt communicating with her. They were supposed to be together and she felt Amanda was acting like a child. "So Amanda are you going to keep giving me the silent treatment? Or are we going to be grown ups and discuss this?" Amanda shrugged. How could she make Liv see she was deeply hurt? What were they gonna do just gonna live together and not progress to anything more, just stay at a standstill? Amanda rolled her eyes to keep the tears back, "Well what the hell am I supposed to say Liv? I mean come on, you have pretty much focused on all the shit that could go wrong rather than what good it brings. So it's pretty well obvious that you dont see any kind of progression like that with us. So yeah I'm allowed to be hurt Liv, you cant tell me I'm not allowed." Amanda leaned back, drinking her beer.

Liv glanced over at her Amanda, she hated seeing her hurting like this. At the same time she really didnt know if she was ready for that next step. Though with her talk with Alex she was ready for it and it just seemed her cold feet were getting the better of her. What she didnt realize was she was on the verge of losing the woman she loved. They watched a few more films. Amanda stayed in her spot not moving, not trying to be close to Liv like she usually did. When Liv got tired she looked over to Amanda "Hey babe, I'm going to bed. You coming?" Liv looked at her blonde love, she hadnt meant to hurt her. She was just unsure. Amanda was right bout one thing though they seriously needed to talk and they had to continue to grow in thier relationship. Amanda looked up at Liv quickly swatting a tear. "Nah babe I'm gonna watch the news and I'll be to bed soon."

Liv was a little hurt at this gesture. They usually went to bed together everynight. Liv watched as Amanda readjusted herself on the couch. Amanda was hurt, they could do everything a married couple could do but Liv didnt want to progress to that. It made Amanda feel like she wasnt worth it. Liv went on to bed, Amanda watched her news and ended up crashing on the couch. She was emotionally tired and hurt quite a bit. They both had work in the morning hopefully things wouldnt make their way to work.


	23. Chapter 23: Thinking

_Waking up the next morning without her in the bed pissed her off. She didnt let it show in the morning though. She didnt need the stress of a fight before work. They hadnt slept apart since they moved in together. She got a shitty nights sleep cause she only slept well with Amanda next to her._

She got dressed and walked out to the living room, she saw Amanda curled up on the couch, remote pointed at the tv. She went over to her and tapped her gently, "Hey sweetie you have to wake up. We have to go to work soon." Amanda sat up, stretched, yawned and then spoke "What time is it babe?" Liv looked at her cellphone, "It's almost seven. So I guess the couch was better cuddle company than me last night huh?" Amanda rubbed the sleep out of her eyes. "Babe I dont remember falling asleep. I was watching the news, I remember seeing the weather and them saying it was supposed to be hot. Must have dozed off after that. Wasnt intentional as you know I love my cuddles with my love." Liv looked at her, she was hurt they hadnt slept apart since before they got the house. "Okay, well maybe we can make up for it after work then? I dont want to spend another night where we dont talk and you sleep out here on the sofa." Amanda got up hugged Liv and kissed her. "We just need to be able to talk and not jump down each others throats." Liv agreed on that one.

Amanda quickly dressed. She did feel bad for sleeping out in the living room, she actually missed being in her loves arms and cuddled. They did need to talk. Everytime Amanda brought up the topic of engagement and or marriage Liv either thought the negative outcome and or voiced her negative thoughts. What could be so wrong with marriage if you both worked at it to make it work. What the hell did Liv think she would be the only one working at it, she sure as hell wouldnt. Amanda would be busting her ass too. This needed to be discussed cause at the rate Amanda was going this wasnt going to be a happy ending.

Getting to work you could feel the iciness between the girlfriends. It wasnt affecting their job thank god as Liv sent Amanda and Carisi to interview a rape victim while she stayed at the precinct with Fin going over the notes on the case.

"So Liv, what is going on with you and Amanda? You guys have been tense and icy as all hell this am. Everything okay?" Liv looked at him, he was such a good guy. He cared alot for both her and Amanda. She didnt want to tell him what was going on, but she knew better than to lie to him as well. He looked at her again as he could see the hesitation. "Liv is everything okay between you two?" She looked at him. "Right now we are in the middle of a disagreement. That's the tension between us." He sighed, getting Liv to actually talk was like asking a pope to spill his secret confessions. "Can I ask what the disagreement was about, maybe I can help?" She nodded, "You're probably going to say the same thing to me that Alex said." He shrugged cause he had no idea what Alex had said to her nor did he know what this was about. "Liv, are you going to beat around the bush or are you actually going to tell me what the hell is going on?" She took a deep breath, "Fin she wants to get married. I'm scared shitless not going to lie. Yes I love her, shit we just got the house together. Now she wants this. I'm not against it, but then again I have known you for years and I've never been in a positive relationship. I'm just scared, the thought of that level of committment scares the shit out of me. What happens if we dont work out, I dont believe in divorce." Fin shook his head, she was stuck on the negative aspects. "Olivia you love her right? You dont see yourself with anyone else in the future right? Then what is the big deal? You say you're scared of that level of committment, Im sure she is to as a matter of fact I know she is. Look at the shit with Nate, damn near fucked her up. To be honest I dont think either of you have been lucky in past relationships or treated the greatest. Let me ask you this, is it worth losing Amanda over this committment fear? You have come this far, if she were to give you an ultimatum is she worth walking away from cause she wants more? Liv you have wanted a family for sometime, she is willing to give you that. She herself didnt come from the greatest background, you saw that shit with her family and the whole ordeal with Patton. She's asking for security and by either being engaged or even married shows her you are in it for the long haul and that she doesnt have to worry about being abandoned anymore."

Liv looked at him, he posed the same damn point that Alex did. Maybe they both were right. "Fin maybe you're right. I really dont want to lose her. I love her." He smiled, he knew that wasnt easy for her to admit. "Then I think you know what you need to do Liv." She smiled, "Yeah I do. Can you cover for me for a couple hours. I wanna go look at some rings. Amanda is the one I want to spend my days with." His smiled "Sure I can cover for you.

 **Do you think Liv is going to go through with it and give Amanda what she so badly wants? Or do you think Liv is going to get cold feet and just forget it? Reviews are great and I am currently working on the next chapter.**


	24. Chapter 24: Ring Shopping

Olivia headed off to the jewelry store. Both Fin and Alex were right. She absolutely didnt see herself with anyone other than Amanda. She loved the blonde, and they had been through quite a bit in their time together. If she was doing this she was gonna make this extra special. Noone had ever touched her heart like Amanda. She really couldnt see a life without her in it, without them together. Fin and Alex making her see what she was risking losing. She was glad she finally took the stick out of her ass and was going to do something she didnt need to question.

Walking into Tiffany & Co was strange to her, she kind of felt out of place. The sales rep came right over and introduced herself. She made Liv feel a little more at ease. Liv told her she was there to buy an engagement ring for her girlfriend. The rep smiled. She asked her a few questions just so she could lead her over to the right rings to look through. She told her how her girlfriend was more of the simplistic romantic. She showed her a few pieces. They didnt speak to her, Amanda was so special to her that the piece had to speak to her, had to speak the love and adoration she felt for Amanda. Then she showed her this beautiful heart shaped diamond. The band of the ring was tiny square diamonds. It was the most beautiful ring and it called out " _Amanda_ " to her. She told the rep the size of Amanda's finger. She told Liv to give her about an hour and she would have it ready. She had snapped a pic of it and sent it to Fin. " **Guess I'm getting married. What do you think of this one? Think she'll like it?** "

Amanda and Carisi had just walked in when he was checking his phone. Amanda was going to be floored when Liv actually did this. He text her back " **Guess you are. :) Liv I'm happy for you and she is going to absolutely love it. She just walked back in with Carisi, so Ill see ya later.** " Amanda smiled at Fin "The woman was at the bar, drinking with her girlfriends and they left and she said the last thing she remembered was talking to this guy name Curt. The next thing she knew she woke up outside in her car and her panties were missing. She showed signs of sexual assault we were with her at the hospital. I was there as she got the rape kit done. She said she didnt remember leaving with Curt and she woke up in her car with a hell of a headache." Fin asked if the woman gave a description of this "Curt" and Carisi piped up with he's about six feet tall, tan complexion, caucasian, hazel eyes, and a chipped front tooth. She also said he talked with a bit of lisp but she wasnt sure if that was the alcohol."

They documented all the notes and drew up one of their idea pads while waiting for Liv to get back. Carisi went to go tend to phone calls figured it couldnt hurt to get a jump start and at least Liv would come in with a majority of the work done. Amanda went over to Fin "Where's Liv? Kind of odd that she's out." He couldnt and wouldnt blow his friends spot, so he told her that she had run over to Stone's office to get paperwork. He was concerned about Amanda so he decided to try and get her to talk to him. "So Amanda what's up? You have seemed very tense today, especially with Liv. You okay?" Amanda plopped down in her seat, taking a sip of her coffee before answering.

"Fin, I'm hurt. I brought up the subject of marriage and she is totally against the idea. I love her so much, shit I want it all Fin. I want a wedding and never thought I'd ever say this but I want a family, and before you say I have one. What I mean is I want a wife and eventually a family. Is that so bad?" Fin put his hand on her shoulder. "No it isnt bad at all. Girl you know I know everything you have been through and I know that level of committment means alot to you. I think it's coming. You and Liv have a good thing between you." Amanda sighed, "She doesnt want marriage Fin. She literally started off a conversation "I dont believe in divorce." Amanda tried to shake off the visible hurt but it just wouldnt leave. "I dont know Fin I love her a whole lot and you know that." He smiled, "look hun, give it some time. I know for a fact that she doesnt want anyone other than you in her life. Amanda she loves you." Amanda just shrugged it off. She didnt want to discuss it anymore.

Hours later...

Olivia had finished at the jewelry store and come back to the precinct. When she walked in she walked right over to Amanda's desk, kissed her cheek and hugged her. " _I Love You_ ". Amanda nodded " _I Love You too_ ". Then Liv went into her office. She wanted to call Fin into her office and show him the ring in person. She also didnt want to piss off Amanda either. She had to show it to Fin. She wanted him to help her arrange a surprise for her soon to be fiance and bride.

She bit the bullet and called in Fin. Amanda looked at him. He shrugged with a smile. "Dont worry Rollins I'll warm her up for you." She shook her head and glared "Fuck you Fin." He smirked and then she smiled at him. He told her he had a feeling this was all about her anyway. She hugged him and thanked him for being such a good friend. He walked into Liv's office and closed the door like she had asked him.

"Okay Liv show me what you got. I particularly dont want to be on the receiving end of your girlfriends wrath." Liv smiled. "I really hope she likes this. It wasnt easy to find the right one." She handed Fin the box with the ring. He opened it, was definitly a beautiful ring. He knew Amanda was going to love it. "Liv this is absolutely gorgeous. She's going to love it. Are you still doubting this is the right thing to do?" Liv smiled, she had a new light to her. "You know what? I'm actually not doubting this anymore. I'm not afraid, Amanda and I are destined to be together. So Im thinking tonight I'll take her to her favorite restaurant and propose there. It'll be simple and heartfelt. What do you think?" Fin smiled, he could see the love and adoration in her eyes as well as comfort in knowing she was infact making the right decision for and Amanda.


	25. Chapter 25: Nerves Kicking In

Olivia stayed in her office, she was just hanging up from making reservations at Amanda's favorite restaurant Via Della Pace. The first place they went when they were a newer couple. Amanda loved it and Liv took notice. She wanted to make tonight really special for her. She looked out the window and saw her love hard at work at her desk. Tonight had to be perfect, cause Amanda deserved nothing less than perfection.

The reservations were for seven pm. Liv decided to send Amanda a text message to make her smile. **"My love, I made reservations for us at Via Della Pace for dinner tonight. We'll go from work. xoxo"** Amanda had been entranced in the work on her laptop so she jumped when her phone buzzed. Fin chuckled "Hey Boo a bit jumpy over there, are you sending dirty texts?" Amanda shook her head and laughed. "No you ass, it wasnt a dirty text. It looks like I have a dinner date tonight at my favorite restaurant." Fin smiled "Sure sure Rollins, keep telling yourself that. The blush gives you away." Amanda giggled "Ahh but see you thinking I'm receiving dirty texts kinda makes you a bit perverted but I love ya anyway. Nah but really in all seriousness Liv was telling me she made reservations at my favorite restaurant tonight." **"My love, I cant wait. I'm looking forward to our dinner date. Love you. xoxo"** They were both hoping the day passed by soon so they could get to their dinner. Liv may have been a bit more excited as well as nervous for what the night was going to bring. Yeah Amanda wanted marriage, but at the same time Liv wondered if she still did after all of Liv's negative feelings about it.

They worked for a couple more hours. Liv was getting more nervous as the time came closer for her and Amanda to have dinner. She wanted this proposal to go right. She didnt dare write a speech she was too afraid she'd fuck it up. She was just going to wing it and go with letting her heart do all the talking. She was really afraid of Amanda turning her down. Amanda wasnt but she didnt know that. She made her girlfriend think that the thought of marriage made her cringe. It still did, even with the ring, as well as knowing and feeling this was what she wanted she was still scared Amanda was going to be like well _fuck you, you made me feel like shit for wanting this._ There was no way Amanda was going to tell her no and or turn her down. Liv decided to text Fin

 _"_ Nerves are kicking in. Please tell me I'm doing the right thing. Convince me she's going to say 'yes'. I love her so much all I want to do is make her happy. - Liv"

Fin was talking to his grandson when the text came through. He wasnt able to facetime this time though as his son-in-laws phone was broken and he had a cheap borrowed phone til his new one came in. He saw his text from Liv, he knew there was no way in the world Amanda was going to say no. He looked at his partner quickly before typing his reply. She had come so far since starting here, overcoming so much. The gambling was done except once in a while something would trigger her and she would just fight the temptation and find a meeting. God was he proud of her. He knew since she started dating Liv that all she wanted was a forever with this woman and that she loved her.

"She is definitly going to say yes. She loves you. This is what she's wanted. You are doing the right thing. Liv you make her so happy it's unreal. I can guarantee this woman is going to jump in your arms and kiss you silly to show you she's saying yes. You have my blessing, just be good to her and love her like she loves you. - Fin"

She had to give it to Fin, he really did know what to say to ease her nerves. She was so glad they had gotten closer his friendship and opinion meant a great deal to her. Fin on the other hand couldnt be happier. The two leading ladies in his life since they were his best friends were happy and that in turn made him happy. He wondered how it was going to go, and he actually was trying to figure out who was going to text him first. Would it be Liv all happy cause her lady said yes or would it be Amanda losing her marbles cause the love of her life asked her to marry her.

The end of the work day came. Liv was excited and nervous. Amanda was just happy to get what she believed to be a romantic dinner with her love.

Dinner...

Since Liv wanted the complete element of surprise she had left just ahead of Amanda to get to the restaurant. Fin had offered to drop Amanda off at the restaurant, Amanda agreed. She hada fear that Liv was going to end it all over the fact of her wanting marriage. Fin could tell she was nervous. "Hey Manda, you're nervous as hell, this isnt like you." Amanda licked her lips as it was something she did when she was extremely nervous. "Fin what if this her way of ending it all cause I asked for too much? I did push this marriage thing awful hard. You know what, that doesnt even matter any more. Only thing that matters to me is that she and I are together. I cant lose her Fin. I just cant, she means too much to me." Fin took his hand off the steering wheel and squeezed her hand. "Manda I can say for a fact she doesnt want to end it all. If she did why would she bring you to your favorite restaurant? Maybe she just wants to say sorry and clear the air from your argument." Amanda shrugged and then remained quiet for the rest of the ride. Fin let her be. He didnt want to get her riled. He pulled up to the restaurant a few minutes later. "Well Manda, here we are. Damn this is your favorite place. I hope you enjoy your dinner." Amanda smiled, Fin was really a good friend and partner. She didnt know what she would do without him. "Thank you Fin. It means alot that you care so much about me. Not used to it, Liv will tell you that, but at the same time it doesnt go unappreciated." He smiled back. "Always boo." She hugged him tight, got out of the car and headed into the restaurant.

Liv was at the table waiting. The hostess brought her over to the table where Liv was at, asking if Liv wanted another glass of red wine and getting Amanda's order for a coors light. "Please give me a glass from the tap and not the bottle." Liv had taken the liberty of ordering the filet minon for the both of them. Liv reached over and grabbed her hand. "I hope you didnt mind my making us reservations here. I know we have been out of sync lately and I am hoping tonight fixes that." After saying that she leaned over and lightly kissed Amanda's lips, oh how she liked the feel of the blondes lips and the taste of the chapstick she used. Liv was nervous as shit, but when this was all over the thing that she'd remember most was the look on her loves face as long as she said yes.

Amanda smiled sheepishly, she liked that Liv wanted a special dinner for them and a special night out. Their dinner came out, as they ate they made small talk about their day. Eased Liv's mind a bit, she didnt know why she was so damn nervous they both loved each other but there was always that chance. After they finished their dinner the waiter came over and got them set up for dessert. Liv had a plan, once the champagne flutes had come over Liv sent a text to Amanda to distract her so she could drop the ring into her glass. Amanda smiled when it was Liv sending a text pic of her smiling, seeing her love smile was the best thing in the world to her. Then she saw the glass. Amanda cocked her head and flashed that gorgeous smile. "Liv?" Liv looked at her as she took her fork and fished the ring out gently. Again she flashed a teary smile at Liv. "Liv? Is this?" Liv shook her head yes _._

"Amanda my love, I have overcome so many things with you. Just being with you has changed me in so many ways, and they have changed me for the better. Amanda before you and I started dating I was a serial dater, not giving a shit and really just living for the job. Then you and I started dating and it became this beautiful thing and I had something other than the job to come home to at night. You have shown me what it means to have someone love me unconditionally. It took a long time to trust that this could and would ever happen to me and for me. I cant picture my life without you in it. I cant picture my life without loving you. I want us to have a family some day, you've made me want that more than ever lately. Yes I was scared of this and I'm not going to lie, I still am; but my loving you as much as I do is outweighing the fear. Amanda I want you to be the one I spend forever with. I want you to be the one I grow old with. I want you to be my wife. So Amanda Marie Rollins will you do me the honor of becoming my wife? Will you marry me?"

so since this is what Amanda has been wanting and hoping for, what do you think Amanda's answer is going to be? Is she going to say yes? is she going to make Liv sweat it out?


End file.
